20 days, it's been 20 days since I've last posted a thought here, y'all are right it's been almost a month and you've been left wondering, wondering what's going on in the life of Hugh, This average boy grown to an average man, or has he?

my life isn't as bad as I make it out to be, I know this, Yes, I am going through some rough times, but I tend to magnify them in my own head. having someone there to talk to just helps me get it all out. I've told you before that I hate being alone with my thoughts, my imagination is too imaginative. do you understand what I'm saying? yes, everyone hates to be alone, but I think I'm destined to have these short lived relationships, you know the ones that only last a few months and then I push them away, or something else happens, I hate being alone, but I think I enjoy the pain, it helps me write sometimes. to get the emotion out, to feel again, I think I do my best writing when I'm sad or depressed. Most of you don't know, but I put on a good mask, I've been unhappy for a very long time. so stop pushing them away you say? stop telling them things they don't want to hear, hide the truth from them, I can't do that, that's not me. So I tell them or I don't tell them what I'm feeling and it's so hard to even realize I'm doing it, even though I know in some odd way that I'm doing it. it's subconcious I think. Perhaps I should stop dating or even looking for the perfect girl until I fix my problem? Yet my problem stems from dating and I can't stop, I just need to figure out where to go from here, I'm working on it though one day though I believe I'll just be walking along and I'm going to have this moment where everything seems clear and then wham, I'm going to be hit by a city bus and I won't have to worry about it anymore. But we'll deal with that when the time comes.

On to other things:

My two week job with the COOP lasted one week and I didn't even get all forty of my hours, but I made enough to buy a textbook and pay for school partially. I only have to come up with another $72.00 by March now, which I hope I will be able to do without having to sell any more of my stuff.

I would like to say thank you to my good friend Zach ( aka SimpleSimon, why he calls himself this I do not know, there is nothing simple about this man ) he is a good friend. It's interesting to note that I'm being paid to blog so I must at least attempt to return his investment.

There are those of you out there that I miss, all of you my friends, my acquantances, my family, my loved ones, those of you who are in my life and those who are no longer in my life, you'll never know how much you truly mean to me. I care for you all very deeply and wish for nothing but the best in life for you all.

It seems my family will soon have some good things coming to them, which will be a load off my mind, I don't know where they're going to end up, but hopefully it will be someplace good, they haven't always been there for each other and even now, they have their moments, but I believe that things will get better for them.

My friends, John and Jamie are getting married this month on the 14th of February, Yes Valentines day, somewhere near Houston, I'm not sure if I can make the wedding, but I am working out some arrangements.

I'm always thinking about what I need to think about, I know I need to be more open, more free, but I lock myself into a shell, I know I'm afraid to get hurt, but I need to just free myself, to be who I need to be, what I need to be, to let the tide of destiny sweep me along, yet we all know that's a bunch of crap, destiny isn't predetermined. We all make for ourselves our own destiny. What will mine be? that remains to be seen.

Some people tell me I'm a jerk and an asshole and I can't agree more with them, I know I'm a selfish bastard, but I try not to be always, I try to be a good friend, a good listener, I try to be there when someone needs my help, when others are in need I have answered the call and yes I have reaped the rewards and I am very much appreciative of those of you out there that deem me worthy of such as you have given me. I only hope that I can live up to your expectations. I've been told that I'm going to hell for things I've done in my past, well big deal, I deal with that when I get there, I'm here on planet earth now, and I choose to deal with this life, not the next existence, that will come when it comes. Right now I'm focused on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, to paraphrase both thomas jefferson and John Locke ( Locke it was who said it first but instead of Happiness, he wrote property, I like how Jefferson changed it ).

This is and isn't the truth. you can't tell emotion through a chat program or by posting to a blog, this is just words in text on a screen. little block letters that are just words without substance, without being able to see a reaction from the person typing them or saying them there is nothing that can either be mean or not be mean.

you're the only people I really talk to, I have a lot going on in my life and it seems you're the only ones listening, so you're going to get the full brunt of it all and yet as always I leave things out. what you wonder? you'll never know.

my head ache's, it's been like this for several days now, I think I have too much going on in my brain, what do you think about when you're all alone, when you think the world has deserted you, when it's all quiet and the hour is late, what do you think about in a room full of silence? I was able to not think about my headache for a good while, while playing games with some friends from the building, but now that they are over and it's late, all is quiet, my head and neck are starting to hurt like crazy now, it's sitting behind my eyes for some reason, I think it might also be allergy related but I'm not sure. it's just something I have to deal with, maybe I'll move to New Mexico, it's very dry there, I wouldn't have to deal with my allergies as much, but I think I won't move to New Mexico, there isn't much there for me. I'm having a hard enough time living here that I don't need to complicate the matter by moving further away. would any of you miss me? all the relationship/friendship we have now would be the same. either phone or internet. If I moved a 5,000 miles away what would change between us?

I'm Human, that means I'm flesh, blood and bone, plus a few other things. A simple meatbag with feelings and emotions, a soul if you will. what am I getting at you might ask? I am nothing special, I'm not unique, I am just like everyone else and like everyone else I'll either survive or I won't, that is life. I know I don't make sense most of the time and that my thoughts jump from topic to topic and that I make references to things that only I can make out and I'm both sorry and not sorry for that. It is what it is and I am what I am. I don't get me, which is why you'll never get me. I can't even accurately describe myself, I believe I'm a Human Chameleon, which means that I constantly change, I adapt to my situation. I can fit in with almost any group. I'm so average it hurts sometimes, 6'2 brown hair, brown eyes, white male, middle class American, how average is that I ask of you?

You are all beautiful people, sometimes... what does that mean you might ask? you listen to me, when I'm being a jerk and an asshole. well we all have our moments where we aren't at our best and I mean that emotionally, not physical beauty, but when you listen to me vent and just blather away, then it comes through in waves and when you listen to others, when you genuinely care about the welfare of others, that is beautiful, to me at least. you actually talk to me, and you give me advice even if I don't take it, you tell me what I should hear rather than feeding me a line and that makes you even more beautiful in my eyes.you listen and you talk to me, you actually have something to say and you stand by what you say and I respect that.

right now, these past few days, I have been ugly, I am still ugly, but I'm working on it. I do have a reason to be angry and upset. I won't go into it, but it's my own fault for letting my emotions get the better of me. Once again something precious and beautiful has slipped through my grasp, like so much sand upon the desert, and even though there is more sand in the desert, I valued this part more than all the rest, we shall see what time and the winds bring us, shall it return to me, or be so much dust in the wind of my past?

I'm a selfish bastard sometimes, but I am glad that I have people like you in my life, that I can share my thoughts and feelings with I still care about you and in time, our friendship will grow and change and all that stuff, Regardless of what happens in our lives there are going to be memories of everything and they are good memories and there are bad memories. You have all brought a little light into my otherwise dark world and you still hold a flame burning bright, to help me hold back the darkness.

This is me trying to take a stand for myself, to steady myself in this river of emotion, if I've seemed a bit rough around the edges it's because I'm afraid of drowning. I told y'all before I have a lot going on in my life, and you're the only one's I seem to be able to talk to about it. I just have to learn to sit down and type, though I should probably become more cohesive in my thoughts and not dwell on the negative so much. If this all seems disjointed and irregular well it's because I've been typing this off and on all day, thank for your patience and for reading this. I'll try to do better in the future.