Do you remember a yesterday so long ago when the weather was amazing?
and how it all turned to crazy.
lost in your smile
wishing to be
found on your lips
with a
kiss so simple
but a feeling so complex
while your
hands warm on my back
give me
a shiver cool as ice
my focused senses
become
scattered sensations
distant illusions
become a
close reality
you're a dream to me
stranger of beauty
all these feelings
i'm having,
realizing,
because
i'm lost in your smile
wishing to be
found on your lips.
Inspiration: Reflecting on someone's cute smile. It had me daydreaming of a memory from not so long ago. I wish that memory were a reality, but such things as said cannot be, there was no explanation for my consternation, it simply had to be what it would be and nothing was able to be. So here I sit now in my lonely reality, wishing and reflecting of a memory of a smile. It's late at night when I think of her the most, those nights I can't seem to sleep, when I want to pick up the phone just to hear her voice, everything seemed to be going right, it seemed better, now Austin is so dark to me, the skies are grey, the winds have turned colder and all I want to do is capture those last few moments of summer and hold them close as if I could hold her close to me again. I think of her every day and I want her to know how I'm feeling, how much she means to me still.
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Erase the answers on my filled out form then copy and paste it to another bulletin to let people know more about you. Who knows? You may attract a new friend because you answered alike. Wishful thinking on your part because no one really likes you. They're just using you to get to your eggo’s.
1. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
It’s been too long, I'm not exactly one to let my emotions run free and I know it's unhealthy to keep things bottled up inside, but I do until they come pouring out.
2. WHEN YOU WERE A KID (SAY AGE 3 TO 10 OR SO) WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP?
Honestly? I wanted to be a knight with a horse, lance and a big friggin sword, I think sometimes I still do.
3. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A BUG?
It’s highly possible, I think while riding my bike one may have found it’s way into my mouth a few times, then there was cub scouts and my first chocolate covered ant.
4. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF LAZY?
At times yes, but then I have these moments where you just can’t seem to get me to stop.
5. WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON YOU EVER KISSED AND HOW OLD WERE YOU?
I must have been very young because it was probably me Ma’
6. GUYS - HAVE YOU EVER HAD A MULLET? GIRLS - HAVE YOU EVER HAD ONE OF THOSE POM POM IN THE FRONT HAIR-DOS? YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT IF YOU HAD ONE.
I had something close, long hair when I was a freshman in High school and the beginnings of a scraggly beard. I got over that phase real fast.
7. WHAT KIND OF VEHICLE DO YOU DRIVE?
I have a truck, but it’s in Houston, a 1988 Chevy S-10 2-door Blazer and my 1996 Yamaha Virago, here now in Austin I’ve got my bicycles, one Kona Full suspension and a Marin hardtail.
8. HAVE YOU EVER STAYED WITH A PERSON LONGER THAN YOU SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE YOU FELT BAD ABOUT HURTING THEIR FEELINGS?
Unfortunately, yes, but I thought it was for the best. Sometimes you have no choice.
9. DO YOUR GUMS BLEED WHEN YOU FLOSS?
No. because I don’t floss, yeah, yeah I know, whatever, but I've never really had a problem with my teeth.
10. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CAVITY AND IF SO HOW MANY?
Honestly I don’t know, it’s been a few, but I usually do rather well in regards to my teeth, despite the fact that I rarely go to the Dentist.
11. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE WHILE ON THE TOILET?
Hell yeah I have, all the time, when I gotta go I go.
12. DO YOU PREFER CATS OR DOGS?
I can go either way.
13. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN AND IF SO WHY? IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT THEY ALL GO TO HEAVEN THEN DO YOU THINK THAT THEY SHOULD?
I honestly haven’t given it much thought.
14. DO YOU THINK THAT ROY FROM SIGFRIED AND ROY HAD IT COMING?
Sure, why not you hit me on the nose with a microphone often enough and see if I don’t maul you a bit.
15. HAVE YOU EVER HAD AN ACCIDENT IN YOUR PANTS WHILE TRYING TO FART WHILE YOU WERE AN ADULT AND NOT WEARING DIAPERS?
I think I’m going to plead the fifth on this one just for comedies sake.
16. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN JAIL OR HELD BY THE POLICE?
Yes, I’ve been in jail in several countries, but what I'm wondering is if tours count? or if I was dropping someone off?
17. NOW THAT YOU LIVE ON YOUR OWN, ASSUMING OF COURSE THAT MOST OF YOU DO, DO YOU CUSS IN FRONT OF YOUR PARENTS? ON THE PHONE COUNTS TOO.
Yes, but I did it long before I ever moved out, my parents and I have an interesting relationship.
18. HAS A HOMOSEXUAL EVER COME ONTO YOU? HOMOSEXUALS NEED NOT ANSWER, BUT BY NOT ANSWERING YOU ADMIT THAT YOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH BEING A HOMOSEXUAL BUT WE JUST DIDN'T KNOW. OKAY?!
Yes, both males and females And I don’t mind it at all, I’m polite enough to let them know that I’m straight.
19. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN ANY EXOTIC SORT OF MEAT? THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE BEEF, PORK, CHICKEN, FISH, SEAFOOD, OR OPPOSSUM AS EVERYONE HAS HAD THESE ONE TIME OR ANOTHER.
Squid, Coyote, bear, blowfish, gator, sushi, sashimi etc. etc. but when it comes to some of my family these aren’t so exotic.
1. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
It’s been too long, I'm not exactly one to let my emotions run free and I know it's unhealthy to keep things bottled up inside, but I do until they come pouring out.
2. WHEN YOU WERE A KID (SAY AGE 3 TO 10 OR SO) WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP?
Honestly? I wanted to be a knight with a horse, lance and a big friggin sword, I think sometimes I still do.
3. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A BUG?
It’s highly possible, I think while riding my bike one may have found it’s way into my mouth a few times, then there was cub scouts and my first chocolate covered ant.
4. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF LAZY?
At times yes, but then I have these moments where you just can’t seem to get me to stop.
5. WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON YOU EVER KISSED AND HOW OLD WERE YOU?
I must have been very young because it was probably me Ma’
6. GUYS - HAVE YOU EVER HAD A MULLET? GIRLS - HAVE YOU EVER HAD ONE OF THOSE POM POM IN THE FRONT HAIR-DOS? YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT IF YOU HAD ONE.
I had something close, long hair when I was a freshman in High school and the beginnings of a scraggly beard. I got over that phase real fast.
7. WHAT KIND OF VEHICLE DO YOU DRIVE?
I have a truck, but it’s in Houston, a 1988 Chevy S-10 2-door Blazer and my 1996 Yamaha Virago, here now in Austin I’ve got my bicycles, one Kona Full suspension and a Marin hardtail.
8. HAVE YOU EVER STAYED WITH A PERSON LONGER THAN YOU SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE YOU FELT BAD ABOUT HURTING THEIR FEELINGS?
Unfortunately, yes, but I thought it was for the best. Sometimes you have no choice.
9. DO YOUR GUMS BLEED WHEN YOU FLOSS?
No. because I don’t floss, yeah, yeah I know, whatever, but I've never really had a problem with my teeth.
10. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CAVITY AND IF SO HOW MANY?
Honestly I don’t know, it’s been a few, but I usually do rather well in regards to my teeth, despite the fact that I rarely go to the Dentist.
11. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE WHILE ON THE TOILET?
Hell yeah I have, all the time, when I gotta go I go.
12. DO YOU PREFER CATS OR DOGS?
I can go either way.
13. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN AND IF SO WHY? IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT THEY ALL GO TO HEAVEN THEN DO YOU THINK THAT THEY SHOULD?
I honestly haven’t given it much thought.
14. DO YOU THINK THAT ROY FROM SIGFRIED AND ROY HAD IT COMING?
Sure, why not you hit me on the nose with a microphone often enough and see if I don’t maul you a bit.
15. HAVE YOU EVER HAD AN ACCIDENT IN YOUR PANTS WHILE TRYING TO FART WHILE YOU WERE AN ADULT AND NOT WEARING DIAPERS?
I think I’m going to plead the fifth on this one just for comedies sake.
16. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN JAIL OR HELD BY THE POLICE?
Yes, I’ve been in jail in several countries, but what I'm wondering is if tours count? or if I was dropping someone off?
17. NOW THAT YOU LIVE ON YOUR OWN, ASSUMING OF COURSE THAT MOST OF YOU DO, DO YOU CUSS IN FRONT OF YOUR PARENTS? ON THE PHONE COUNTS TOO.
Yes, but I did it long before I ever moved out, my parents and I have an interesting relationship.
18. HAS A HOMOSEXUAL EVER COME ONTO YOU? HOMOSEXUALS NEED NOT ANSWER, BUT BY NOT ANSWERING YOU ADMIT THAT YOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH BEING A HOMOSEXUAL BUT WE JUST DIDN'T KNOW. OKAY?!
Yes, both males and females And I don’t mind it at all, I’m polite enough to let them know that I’m straight.
19. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN ANY EXOTIC SORT OF MEAT? THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE BEEF, PORK, CHICKEN, FISH, SEAFOOD, OR OPPOSSUM AS EVERYONE HAS HAD THESE ONE TIME OR ANOTHER.
Squid, Coyote, bear, blowfish, gator, sushi, sashimi etc. etc. but when it comes to some of my family these aren’t so exotic.
Monday, October 27, 2003
Yes, I know it's a Tuesday and I haven't written in awhile, or well I haven't written here in awhile anyway, I've been writing a lot in other places. Much has been going on in my life and I'm simply trying to make it through to the next day. I'm beginning to sort things out, to settle in here in Austin. I wish some things in my life were different,
Such as my capacity to share my feelings with those that are closest to me and not through my writings or emails, but face to face or at least voice to voice. I have so much inside of me that I want to share, but I hold back, because I’m scared of being happy? Or maybe because I’m scared of losing control. I know that’s a part of it. That I have it in me to love someone so completely, it’s just locked away behind a mass of scar tissue and chains.
I wish that I didn’t procrastinate or hesitate so much, I know that I begin with good intentions, but unfortunately along the way I’m side tracked and the opportunity passes me by.
But enough of that right now, people as a whole tend to dwell on the negative and I know that I do it. I have positive things in my life, good friends, family that cares in their own weird dysfunctional way.
I just wish some things were different about me and about my life.
But on a different less introspectional note let me update you on what I've been doing, don't worry it hasn't been much so you won't have to read a long post like mine others have been of late. Basically I've been working around the apartment complex, been to class on a regular basis. I've gone out with friends, both new and old, some evenings consisted of absolute craziness others a simple dinner with friends. I'm dealing with some serious sinus congestion/ allergies and the weather here isn't helping, it's like it doesn't know whether it wants to be winter or not here. My Physical Geography Professor says it has to do with the Balconies Fault and the weather patterns coming from California. Either way it's not helping.
I have some papers to write for my government class, they seem to be combining themselves and are turning into what appears to be a bill, perhaps I'll submit it to a local congressman for consideration and then eventual dumping into the garbage, or who knows. it's not a particularly controversial issue.
A friend has arrived within the past few days all the way from Austria, though he is not Austrian, he's Norweigan, Stian is an anomaly in the world of El Rio, maintaining a presence from thousands of miles away and on odd times of the year he comes back. He's seems a decent enough fellow, though a bit European in his tastes and habits. but still a good guy.
Anyway I have to get back to work soon, but I will attempt to write more later.
Such as my capacity to share my feelings with those that are closest to me and not through my writings or emails, but face to face or at least voice to voice. I have so much inside of me that I want to share, but I hold back, because I’m scared of being happy? Or maybe because I’m scared of losing control. I know that’s a part of it. That I have it in me to love someone so completely, it’s just locked away behind a mass of scar tissue and chains.
I wish that I didn’t procrastinate or hesitate so much, I know that I begin with good intentions, but unfortunately along the way I’m side tracked and the opportunity passes me by.
But enough of that right now, people as a whole tend to dwell on the negative and I know that I do it. I have positive things in my life, good friends, family that cares in their own weird dysfunctional way.
I just wish some things were different about me and about my life.
But on a different less introspectional note let me update you on what I've been doing, don't worry it hasn't been much so you won't have to read a long post like mine others have been of late. Basically I've been working around the apartment complex, been to class on a regular basis. I've gone out with friends, both new and old, some evenings consisted of absolute craziness others a simple dinner with friends. I'm dealing with some serious sinus congestion/ allergies and the weather here isn't helping, it's like it doesn't know whether it wants to be winter or not here. My Physical Geography Professor says it has to do with the Balconies Fault and the weather patterns coming from California. Either way it's not helping.
I have some papers to write for my government class, they seem to be combining themselves and are turning into what appears to be a bill, perhaps I'll submit it to a local congressman for consideration and then eventual dumping into the garbage, or who knows. it's not a particularly controversial issue.
A friend has arrived within the past few days all the way from Austria, though he is not Austrian, he's Norweigan, Stian is an anomaly in the world of El Rio, maintaining a presence from thousands of miles away and on odd times of the year he comes back. He's seems a decent enough fellow, though a bit European in his tastes and habits. but still a good guy.
Anyway I have to get back to work soon, but I will attempt to write more later.
Friday, October 24, 2003
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
I went to Houston for the weekend and drama ensued... it's almost too much to write about, what? You think I was visiting a significant other? Unfortunately no, I went to see my parents, my friends.
I found that my parents and I have a better relationship when I'm living here in Austin, than when I'm there in Houston. We didn't even speak and I told them I was coming into town weeks ago, but they made plans all weekend long, its okay, do you really want to hear about this? it seems a bit trivial once I start getting it out, but then again nothing is too trivial when your parents are treating you like garbage so I’ll share as much as I like even though it's not all about my parents, but I'll get to that later.
I went to Houston with a friend of mine she lives about 15 min from my parents so I took her home for the weekend. While I wasn't able to be around my parents I went over to her house and hung out with her family. Her little brother is in a band and needed to sell tickets, Nicky, my friend didn't have the cash to buy them so I bought them and said I would go too. Later that night we ran into my friend Jean, who talked about seeing our friend Drew who was in a motorcycle wreck and is still in the hospital this is the first time that drew has allowed visitors. So Nicky and I agreed to go, the problem was that Nicky’s brother didn't sell enough tickets to his concert in time, so they bumped him from 2:00 p.m. to 11:00 a.m. to play and we had planned to meet with jean around 9:30 a.m. to go see drew, cause he is better in the mornings, well when you get a bunch of friends together that haven't seen each other in awhile at a local coffee shop in the morning everyone's going to say hi and whatever. So Nicky and a friend left early to go to the concert and I said I would meet them there after I found out where Drew was so that we could see him later. Well when we got to the Hospital it was already 10:30 a.m. and once I got there, my friend Drew took precedence and I didn't go to the concert, I mean Drew could have died right? So a concert didn't seem all that important.
Apparently Nicky’s pissed off and says that her brother would have rather sold his tickets to someone who would have come to the concert, apparently even his own brother, Dustin didn't go. Well, I thought he would have understood everything with Drew in the Hospital. Michael seems like a level headed kid, but maybe it's just Nicky.
We had a friend who had to go to fort hood on Monday, to get some stuff. I was supposed to leave the truck in Houston and Nicky and I ride with them, but they decided to leave early, and I wound up having to drive to Austin, I was leaving the truck in Houston so that my dad could take a look at it, it's been running oddly.
I know I probably should have left the truck for my parents, but I got into an argument with someone before leaving Houston and I tore out of there with the truck. I was probably upset because my now official ex-girlfriend emailed me, it’s a bit complicated, but she basically said that this is what it is and it’s the way it has to be, she won’t talk to me or anything and that pisses me off, I’m not even given a chance to either defend myself or talk to her about anything at all. I did call her and tell her that I was in Houston on Friday and if she wanted to talk then to give me a call, that's all I said. I know I know, but at the time it seemed like a good idea, I really liked this girl and I still do, but just like the others I’m going to have to learn to move on.
On the way back to Austin I remembered I had forgotten my bike at Sun&Ski, so I had to turn around and go back. I get the bike, see some friends at Sun&Ski, chat it up for a bit, then turn around and fight my way through Houston traffic,
So now I'm all upset and driving like crazy back to Austin, because I just want to get home to someplace normal, lol... Austin... normal....
Anyway my boss calls me and asks me when I'll be back in Austin and I told her I was just now leaving Houston and wasn’t sure, she needed to know, because she wanted an Apartment shown to a prospective tenant, so we decided on 8:00 p.m. would be about the time I would get back. A couple of minutes after getting off the phone with my boss I just happened to look up in the rear view mirror, cause I do that every now and then.
There is a huge cloud of smoke spreading out from the back of the truck, at first I thought I was driving on a dirt road, but no I was on asphalt I checked the gauges and lights and everything seemed fine, no indications of anything wrong. Everything was working fine. Well I remembered a gas station that I had passed and so I turned around and went back.
It must have looked like a scene from Spy Hunter I pull into this chevron and I pop the hood and check everything, it seems fine. So I look under the truck and there is red-black fluid pouring out from under the entire bottom of the truck. What was it you might ask? Transmission fluid and I was like hm... Weird... is it just leaking? No it was pouring. I didn't have any tools or anyway to fix it. So I tried calling my parents, no answer. I called my boss and told them I'd be a little late, if I even got to Austin I called a bunch of people to see if anyone could help, I got a hold of my good friend Timbo, but he was in Houston and I wasn’t about to ask him to drive all the way out to where I was, I was in the middle of nowhere. I finally go hold of my sister and she, my brother-in-law and the entire pack of rug rats showed up a few hours later.
In the meantime here I was lying on the side of the road with my legs up in the driver’s side of the truck with all this red-black fluid pouring everywhere... I thought it was pretty artistic, all these random people kept coming up and asking if I was okay and friends kept calling me and asking where I was, so I kept telling them where I was, lying on the side of the road.
I had to leave the truck after my brother-in-law pronounced that it was too late to do anymore looking at it, so they convinced me to grab what I could and they and the rug rats drove me to Austin, it was great, my nieces sang to me and my nephew just slept. Yeah and when they got here they invaded my apartment like a tornado and now I'm 1 football, 1 basketball, and a few other things less but it was cool, I enjoyed having them over, They played catch in the front yard of the apartments with some of the other tenants and just basically ran amuck around the place for a little while. I'd like to think that it strengthened my relationship with my sister and her husband, whom I didn't know well, but I got the opportunity to do so. So my weekend didn't end so badly.
Though the next day, Monday, started off badly, I went with my friend Nicky to Starbucks for Coffee and she started into me about the concert that I didn’t go to. I was eating stale oatmeal raisin cookies and banana nut bread and afterwards Nicky kept saying she was hungry and couldn’t decide where to go. After several minutes of that I was annoyed, I told her I wasn’t hungry because of what I just ate and I asked her where she would like to go, she replied back with some smart comment like why did it matter to me I had already eaten. At that point I just got up and left, I came back here to the apartments and just stayed to myself for the rest of the day, just me and my thoughts.
So now it’s Tuesday, what do I have planned for the rest of the day? Well, I'm about to go have lunch with my buddy Dave, study a bit, maybe write if I can get what I'm thinking out of my head and onto paper, try to resolve the concert issue with my friend Nicky (she’s still pissed at me and we haven't spoken since yesterday) and then I have class later from 5 till 10. So I’m out like a dying street light, slowly fading away…
I found that my parents and I have a better relationship when I'm living here in Austin, than when I'm there in Houston. We didn't even speak and I told them I was coming into town weeks ago, but they made plans all weekend long, its okay, do you really want to hear about this? it seems a bit trivial once I start getting it out, but then again nothing is too trivial when your parents are treating you like garbage so I’ll share as much as I like even though it's not all about my parents, but I'll get to that later.
I went to Houston with a friend of mine she lives about 15 min from my parents so I took her home for the weekend. While I wasn't able to be around my parents I went over to her house and hung out with her family. Her little brother is in a band and needed to sell tickets, Nicky, my friend didn't have the cash to buy them so I bought them and said I would go too. Later that night we ran into my friend Jean, who talked about seeing our friend Drew who was in a motorcycle wreck and is still in the hospital this is the first time that drew has allowed visitors. So Nicky and I agreed to go, the problem was that Nicky’s brother didn't sell enough tickets to his concert in time, so they bumped him from 2:00 p.m. to 11:00 a.m. to play and we had planned to meet with jean around 9:30 a.m. to go see drew, cause he is better in the mornings, well when you get a bunch of friends together that haven't seen each other in awhile at a local coffee shop in the morning everyone's going to say hi and whatever. So Nicky and a friend left early to go to the concert and I said I would meet them there after I found out where Drew was so that we could see him later. Well when we got to the Hospital it was already 10:30 a.m. and once I got there, my friend Drew took precedence and I didn't go to the concert, I mean Drew could have died right? So a concert didn't seem all that important.
Apparently Nicky’s pissed off and says that her brother would have rather sold his tickets to someone who would have come to the concert, apparently even his own brother, Dustin didn't go. Well, I thought he would have understood everything with Drew in the Hospital. Michael seems like a level headed kid, but maybe it's just Nicky.
We had a friend who had to go to fort hood on Monday, to get some stuff. I was supposed to leave the truck in Houston and Nicky and I ride with them, but they decided to leave early, and I wound up having to drive to Austin, I was leaving the truck in Houston so that my dad could take a look at it, it's been running oddly.
I know I probably should have left the truck for my parents, but I got into an argument with someone before leaving Houston and I tore out of there with the truck. I was probably upset because my now official ex-girlfriend emailed me, it’s a bit complicated, but she basically said that this is what it is and it’s the way it has to be, she won’t talk to me or anything and that pisses me off, I’m not even given a chance to either defend myself or talk to her about anything at all. I did call her and tell her that I was in Houston on Friday and if she wanted to talk then to give me a call, that's all I said. I know I know, but at the time it seemed like a good idea, I really liked this girl and I still do, but just like the others I’m going to have to learn to move on.
On the way back to Austin I remembered I had forgotten my bike at Sun&Ski, so I had to turn around and go back. I get the bike, see some friends at Sun&Ski, chat it up for a bit, then turn around and fight my way through Houston traffic,
So now I'm all upset and driving like crazy back to Austin, because I just want to get home to someplace normal, lol... Austin... normal....
Anyway my boss calls me and asks me when I'll be back in Austin and I told her I was just now leaving Houston and wasn’t sure, she needed to know, because she wanted an Apartment shown to a prospective tenant, so we decided on 8:00 p.m. would be about the time I would get back. A couple of minutes after getting off the phone with my boss I just happened to look up in the rear view mirror, cause I do that every now and then.
There is a huge cloud of smoke spreading out from the back of the truck, at first I thought I was driving on a dirt road, but no I was on asphalt I checked the gauges and lights and everything seemed fine, no indications of anything wrong. Everything was working fine. Well I remembered a gas station that I had passed and so I turned around and went back.
It must have looked like a scene from Spy Hunter I pull into this chevron and I pop the hood and check everything, it seems fine. So I look under the truck and there is red-black fluid pouring out from under the entire bottom of the truck. What was it you might ask? Transmission fluid and I was like hm... Weird... is it just leaking? No it was pouring. I didn't have any tools or anyway to fix it. So I tried calling my parents, no answer. I called my boss and told them I'd be a little late, if I even got to Austin I called a bunch of people to see if anyone could help, I got a hold of my good friend Timbo, but he was in Houston and I wasn’t about to ask him to drive all the way out to where I was, I was in the middle of nowhere. I finally go hold of my sister and she, my brother-in-law and the entire pack of rug rats showed up a few hours later.
In the meantime here I was lying on the side of the road with my legs up in the driver’s side of the truck with all this red-black fluid pouring everywhere... I thought it was pretty artistic, all these random people kept coming up and asking if I was okay and friends kept calling me and asking where I was, so I kept telling them where I was, lying on the side of the road.
I had to leave the truck after my brother-in-law pronounced that it was too late to do anymore looking at it, so they convinced me to grab what I could and they and the rug rats drove me to Austin, it was great, my nieces sang to me and my nephew just slept. Yeah and when they got here they invaded my apartment like a tornado and now I'm 1 football, 1 basketball, and a few other things less but it was cool, I enjoyed having them over, They played catch in the front yard of the apartments with some of the other tenants and just basically ran amuck around the place for a little while. I'd like to think that it strengthened my relationship with my sister and her husband, whom I didn't know well, but I got the opportunity to do so. So my weekend didn't end so badly.
Though the next day, Monday, started off badly, I went with my friend Nicky to Starbucks for Coffee and she started into me about the concert that I didn’t go to. I was eating stale oatmeal raisin cookies and banana nut bread and afterwards Nicky kept saying she was hungry and couldn’t decide where to go. After several minutes of that I was annoyed, I told her I wasn’t hungry because of what I just ate and I asked her where she would like to go, she replied back with some smart comment like why did it matter to me I had already eaten. At that point I just got up and left, I came back here to the apartments and just stayed to myself for the rest of the day, just me and my thoughts.
So now it’s Tuesday, what do I have planned for the rest of the day? Well, I'm about to go have lunch with my buddy Dave, study a bit, maybe write if I can get what I'm thinking out of my head and onto paper, try to resolve the concert issue with my friend Nicky (she’s still pissed at me and we haven't spoken since yesterday) and then I have class later from 5 till 10. So I’m out like a dying street light, slowly fading away…
Monday, October 20, 2003
1. WHAT IS YOUR Middle name?
Hudson
2. WHAT kind of PANTS ARE YOU WEARING and what color?
Blue jeans, baggy from old navy on tax free weekend
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The air conditioning vent outside my door
4. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
512-947- 2848
5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE:
Easy Mac and burnt fish sticks, damn broken oven timer
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Blue, cause I like blue!!
7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
It’s nice, a little chilly, but that’s good snuggling weather
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Dustin
9. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I should probably say something nice like the “eyes”, but I’m going to be honest and say the face and then the body.
10. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS?
Hmmm… I’m still working on that one
11. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
Mixed up, I’ve got a lot on my mind.
12. FAVORITE DRINK?
Water followed closely by Iced Tea, then Dr. Pepper
13. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
Vodka, especially Tito’s!!
14. FAVORITE SPORTS?
Football, Hockey, Mountain Biking, a few others
15. HAIR COLOR?
Brown
16. EYE COLOR?
Brown
17. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
no, glasses
18. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGEs?
Older Sister: Victoria (27) and Younger Brother:Charles (23) Yep that makes me the middle child, all messed up.
19. FAVORITE MONTH?
February or March when the Spring is still cool and turning to Summer
20. FAVORITE FOOD?
Pasta, almost any kind and style.
21. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AND WITH WHO?
Theatre: Kill Bill
Home: Army Of Darkness
22. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
That one day everyone else doesn’t like
23. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
At times I can be, Other times watch out.
24. DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I like to think that the journey is what counts not the destination, and if I happen to be a little happy or scared along the way, well then that’s good too.
25. SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer.
26. HUGS OR KISSES?
depends on who it is, could just be a good firm handshake.
28. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
For what ;o)
29. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK?
yes, please.
30. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Janae aka Aurora, she loves these things.
31. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
That crazy sarah chick.
32. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
Bird by Bird. Red leaves at Night, Salman Rushdie’s Fury
33. WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN SAVER?
A picture I took of a shadowed alley in Croatia
34. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Risk, Monopoly, Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit, just bring it.
35. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
I laid on the side of 290 after my truck broke down on the way from Houston to Austin, then my sister and her family brought me back, then I spent the night with friends.
36. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Lavender and vanilla on a woman, cookies baking and I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
37. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN
YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
If I even go to bed, then it’s probably why am I even awake, what am I going to do today? And that I probably shouldn't have drunk so much caffeine the night before.
Hudson
2. WHAT kind of PANTS ARE YOU WEARING and what color?
Blue jeans, baggy from old navy on tax free weekend
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The air conditioning vent outside my door
4. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
512-947- 2848
5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE:
Easy Mac and burnt fish sticks, damn broken oven timer
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Blue, cause I like blue!!
7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
It’s nice, a little chilly, but that’s good snuggling weather
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Dustin
9. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I should probably say something nice like the “eyes”, but I’m going to be honest and say the face and then the body.
10. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS?
Hmmm… I’m still working on that one
11. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
Mixed up, I’ve got a lot on my mind.
12. FAVORITE DRINK?
Water followed closely by Iced Tea, then Dr. Pepper
13. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
Vodka, especially Tito’s!!
14. FAVORITE SPORTS?
Football, Hockey, Mountain Biking, a few others
15. HAIR COLOR?
Brown
16. EYE COLOR?
Brown
17. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
no, glasses
18. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGEs?
Older Sister: Victoria (27) and Younger Brother:Charles (23) Yep that makes me the middle child, all messed up.
19. FAVORITE MONTH?
February or March when the Spring is still cool and turning to Summer
20. FAVORITE FOOD?
Pasta, almost any kind and style.
21. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AND WITH WHO?
Theatre: Kill Bill
Home: Army Of Darkness
22. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
That one day everyone else doesn’t like
23. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
At times I can be, Other times watch out.
24. DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I like to think that the journey is what counts not the destination, and if I happen to be a little happy or scared along the way, well then that’s good too.
25. SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer.
26. HUGS OR KISSES?
depends on who it is, could just be a good firm handshake.
28. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
For what ;o)
29. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK?
yes, please.
30. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Janae aka Aurora, she loves these things.
31. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
That crazy sarah chick.
32. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
Bird by Bird. Red leaves at Night, Salman Rushdie’s Fury
33. WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN SAVER?
A picture I took of a shadowed alley in Croatia
34. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Risk, Monopoly, Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit, just bring it.
35. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
I laid on the side of 290 after my truck broke down on the way from Houston to Austin, then my sister and her family brought me back, then I spent the night with friends.
36. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Lavender and vanilla on a woman, cookies baking and I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
37. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN
YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
If I even go to bed, then it’s probably why am I even awake, what am I going to do today? And that I probably shouldn't have drunk so much caffeine the night before.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Angel's tears
Have you ever had one of those days
you never should have left your bed
You don't know exactly where it started
but it's all been down hill from there
And no matter where you turn
there doesn't seem to be any signs
to show you how to get back
on your path
So you cry
cause there's nothing else left to do
and you hide
so nothing else can find you
and you pray
with all of your heart in your tears
and you hope that they fall
straight from your eyes
into angel's ears
You know those times when it seems
nothin' you do is right
So you try to pull yourself out
and only dig a deeper hole
And no matter how loud you call
no one hears
and the day is giving way
to night
So you cry
cause there's nothing else left to do
and you hide
so nothing else can find you
and you pray
with all of your heart in your tears
and you hope that they fall
straight from your eyes
into the angel's ears
So you cry
cause there's nothing else to do
and you hide
so nothing else can find you
and you pray
with all of your heart in your tears
and you hope that they fall
straight from your eyes
into the angel's ears
Oh and I pray
with all of my heart in my tears
and I hope that they fall
straight from my eyes
into the angel's ears
Have you ever had one of those days
you never should have left your bed
You don't know exactly where it started
but it's all been down hill from there
And no matter where you turn
there doesn't seem to be any signs
to show you how to get back
on your path
So you cry
cause there's nothing else left to do
and you hide
so nothing else can find you
and you pray
with all of your heart in your tears
and you hope that they fall
straight from your eyes
into angel's ears
You know those times when it seems
nothin' you do is right
So you try to pull yourself out
and only dig a deeper hole
And no matter how loud you call
no one hears
and the day is giving way
to night
So you cry
cause there's nothing else left to do
and you hide
so nothing else can find you
and you pray
with all of your heart in your tears
and you hope that they fall
straight from your eyes
into the angel's ears
So you cry
cause there's nothing else to do
and you hide
so nothing else can find you
and you pray
with all of your heart in your tears
and you hope that they fall
straight from your eyes
into the angel's ears
Oh and I pray
with all of my heart in my tears
and I hope that they fall
straight from my eyes
into the angel's ears
I realize it's the afternoon and that you've probably already gone through here, but I wanted to take the opportunity to write, so I am.
I'm taking a break, I have two hours to go till I have my midterm and I wanted to let y'all know that I was thinking of you.
I got another call from a guy in my unit today, he's leaving to go to Ft. Drum for training, and then he thinks maybe overseas, but he's not sure, he's a little worried, but we talked about it.
Damn, someone needs me in the builing so I've got to go, but I'll try to write more later.
Hugh
I'm taking a break, I have two hours to go till I have my midterm and I wanted to let y'all know that I was thinking of you.
I got another call from a guy in my unit today, he's leaving to go to Ft. Drum for training, and then he thinks maybe overseas, but he's not sure, he's a little worried, but we talked about it.
Damn, someone needs me in the builing so I've got to go, but I'll try to write more later.
Hugh
Monday, October 13, 2003
It is well past midnight so I can begin todays posting with gusto!
I've been attempting to study all day yesterday and still am, though I did have to take a break to show apartments, fix an air conditioner and deal with an insane tenant, not to mention the fact that I saw Quenton Tarantino's new movie "Kill Bill" which I highly reccomend you go seeing.
As for the studying, I'm getting back to that soon, but in the meantime I need to say something.
I should have realized the truth of this sooner. "A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." -Elbert Hubbard
and that, "Friends are treasures." -Horace Bruns
I just want to say, that if you're reading this still, I'm sorry for all the things I didn't say, for all the words that went unspoken, the words misunderstood and the trust I broke, for the pain I've caused and the ending it caused. I miss you very much and only wish for your happiness. Please, forgive me.
"We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence."
-Joseph Roux
"The only way to have a friend is to be one." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely." -Pam Brown
My friend Haitham will be leaving to go to Puerto Rico soon, I just learned of this from him not too long ago. Haitham is a great man, very intelligent and cultured, he's good to have a conversation with and always willing to listen, I shall endeavor to be his friend for a long time. He will be sorely missed around the coffee shop, I think my world will get a little more dim when he is gone. but he won't be far away and I shall endeavor again to visit him in Puerto Rico and not just for the location, but because I can truly count this man among my brothers.
"Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything." -Muhammad Ali
"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow grow, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." -George Washington
"The road to a friend's house is never long." -Danish proverb
No matter where you go, or how far away you are, whether we speak tomorrow or in a month or a year, know that I'll keep you constantly in my thoughts for you are a friend held dear and close to my heart. I'm not always good with my emotions when we speak, but know that with you by my side I could never be weak. A true friend you are and I can't help but realize it too late to let you know. but all of you that I know I count you as close as family and wish you all the best in your lives.
It is late, or early as you might put it, time is all relative. I need to get some sleep so I can wake up later today and continue studying.
I've been attempting to study all day yesterday and still am, though I did have to take a break to show apartments, fix an air conditioner and deal with an insane tenant, not to mention the fact that I saw Quenton Tarantino's new movie "Kill Bill" which I highly reccomend you go seeing.
As for the studying, I'm getting back to that soon, but in the meantime I need to say something.
I should have realized the truth of this sooner. "A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." -Elbert Hubbard
and that, "Friends are treasures." -Horace Bruns
I just want to say, that if you're reading this still, I'm sorry for all the things I didn't say, for all the words that went unspoken, the words misunderstood and the trust I broke, for the pain I've caused and the ending it caused. I miss you very much and only wish for your happiness. Please, forgive me.
"We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence."
-Joseph Roux
"The only way to have a friend is to be one." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely." -Pam Brown
My friend Haitham will be leaving to go to Puerto Rico soon, I just learned of this from him not too long ago. Haitham is a great man, very intelligent and cultured, he's good to have a conversation with and always willing to listen, I shall endeavor to be his friend for a long time. He will be sorely missed around the coffee shop, I think my world will get a little more dim when he is gone. but he won't be far away and I shall endeavor again to visit him in Puerto Rico and not just for the location, but because I can truly count this man among my brothers.
"Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything." -Muhammad Ali
"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow grow, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." -George Washington
"The road to a friend's house is never long." -Danish proverb
No matter where you go, or how far away you are, whether we speak tomorrow or in a month or a year, know that I'll keep you constantly in my thoughts for you are a friend held dear and close to my heart. I'm not always good with my emotions when we speak, but know that with you by my side I could never be weak. A true friend you are and I can't help but realize it too late to let you know. but all of you that I know I count you as close as family and wish you all the best in your lives.
It is late, or early as you might put it, time is all relative. I need to get some sleep so I can wake up later today and continue studying.
It's Monday Morning and I've already had a full day to start with and it's going to keep going I can tell already. You'll have noticed that I didn't finish posting yesterday, I simply wound up not being here at the apartments. I'm attempting to get out into the world, to see and experience Austin or at least I'm attempting to get away from here because I need to stay off the computer so that I can study for my Mid-Terms of which I only have one left, but it's a big one, at least for me it is. I know all of you are dealing with your own academic endeavors or life's little ironies and I'm not attempting to place my own above yours, they're just foremost in my own mind.
I was going to start writing about today, but I think I should go back to Yesterday, because that's where this tale neither begins nor ends, Robert Jordan had a great qoute in his Wheel of time Series with which he begins every book ( this one comes from Winter's Heart, book Nine in the series), it goes something like this,
"The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, Called the third Age by some, and Age yet to come, An Age long past, A wind rose above the Aryth Ocean. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turn of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning."
So to Yesterday, A beginning of sorts, but also an ending of sorts for it is neither nothing, nor is it everything and that is all the truth I can offer you. Yesterday began with an attempt at studying at a local Starbucks on 24th and San Antonio. I should have known better than to go to a Starbucks to study, I was there for a good thirty minutes before a friend of mine showed up and it was only about 15-20 minutes more before Six more had arrived and soon studying just flew out the window. And before I knew it we were in vehicles and heading out to grab some grub, We ate at the Ommeletry restraunt, It was good times, good times. Then back to the Apt's for a quick showing for some prospective tenants, then back out in a further attempt to study, which was forestalled by the invite to watch movies at Nicki's with friends, compadres and acquantances. Watching Army of Darkness for the thousandth or so time was highly enjoyable. I haven't had the opportunity to laugh in awhile. but in retrospect it might have been better if I had studied instead, but then again. Afterwards a further attempt at studying and then Dinner with more friends stayed up late to converse on some crazy topics. Continued Ringing the ceiling of my room with blue christmas lights, because I like blue, that's why. I reorganized the books in my room, pulling more from the back out into the open, have you noticed a pattern here? I can't seem to concentrate on studying, this midterm tomorrow is very important, but even now I'm sitting here procrastinating by writing this post. Someone from my unit called me again yesterday, they echoed the thoughts that were in my own head, that we may have to go back soon. That more may be required of us. This bothers me a lot. I love my country and would do anything for my fellow man, but I too want my freedom, I want to be able to live my life and realize my American dream, but it seems a choice made so long ago will affect my entire life, I chose to serve and I must live with that choice.
I wasn't able to sleep again last night, I simply laid there and stared at the ceiling, I might have dozed off near 5 or 6 a.m. but I'm not sure, I know I heard my friend nicki tapping on my window this morning, she needed a ride to work, so I took her to Barton Springs and dropped her off. I walked around Zilker Park for a little while before deciding I needed to get going, then I thought I should get the truck looked at and maybe get the oil changed. So off to Jiffy Lube for the early bird special. I found out an interesting fact, Austin doesn't do Emissions Testing, I wonder what that will mean for the truck? could I get it tested here? While there I read the entire Morning paper, The Austin American Statesman, which was a good read if a bit light. I took particular interest in the stories of the action and consequences of what's going on overseas and it brought back to mind the phone call from yesterday and all my fears re-emerged. Yes I am scared, I am scared of a lot of things and I have no one to share my fear with and that is another thing that is bothering me, I fear that my lack of being able to share my emotions will leave me alone, I keep trying and yet I keep failing. So I will deal with it on my own as I have always done.
What do I have planned for the rest of the day? well I'm going to go out and attempt to study again. I have to, regardless of what I'm feeling inside or what may or may not occurr in my life. I must go on, if I don't then I've already given up and I'm not like that, a bit apathetic at times, a procrastinator of course, but a quiter? never.
Don't worry about me, I'll be okay. Someday.
I was going to start writing about today, but I think I should go back to Yesterday, because that's where this tale neither begins nor ends, Robert Jordan had a great qoute in his Wheel of time Series with which he begins every book ( this one comes from Winter's Heart, book Nine in the series), it goes something like this,
"The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, Called the third Age by some, and Age yet to come, An Age long past, A wind rose above the Aryth Ocean. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turn of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning."
So to Yesterday, A beginning of sorts, but also an ending of sorts for it is neither nothing, nor is it everything and that is all the truth I can offer you. Yesterday began with an attempt at studying at a local Starbucks on 24th and San Antonio. I should have known better than to go to a Starbucks to study, I was there for a good thirty minutes before a friend of mine showed up and it was only about 15-20 minutes more before Six more had arrived and soon studying just flew out the window. And before I knew it we were in vehicles and heading out to grab some grub, We ate at the Ommeletry restraunt, It was good times, good times. Then back to the Apt's for a quick showing for some prospective tenants, then back out in a further attempt to study, which was forestalled by the invite to watch movies at Nicki's with friends, compadres and acquantances. Watching Army of Darkness for the thousandth or so time was highly enjoyable. I haven't had the opportunity to laugh in awhile. but in retrospect it might have been better if I had studied instead, but then again. Afterwards a further attempt at studying and then Dinner with more friends stayed up late to converse on some crazy topics. Continued Ringing the ceiling of my room with blue christmas lights, because I like blue, that's why. I reorganized the books in my room, pulling more from the back out into the open, have you noticed a pattern here? I can't seem to concentrate on studying, this midterm tomorrow is very important, but even now I'm sitting here procrastinating by writing this post. Someone from my unit called me again yesterday, they echoed the thoughts that were in my own head, that we may have to go back soon. That more may be required of us. This bothers me a lot. I love my country and would do anything for my fellow man, but I too want my freedom, I want to be able to live my life and realize my American dream, but it seems a choice made so long ago will affect my entire life, I chose to serve and I must live with that choice.
I wasn't able to sleep again last night, I simply laid there and stared at the ceiling, I might have dozed off near 5 or 6 a.m. but I'm not sure, I know I heard my friend nicki tapping on my window this morning, she needed a ride to work, so I took her to Barton Springs and dropped her off. I walked around Zilker Park for a little while before deciding I needed to get going, then I thought I should get the truck looked at and maybe get the oil changed. So off to Jiffy Lube for the early bird special. I found out an interesting fact, Austin doesn't do Emissions Testing, I wonder what that will mean for the truck? could I get it tested here? While there I read the entire Morning paper, The Austin American Statesman, which was a good read if a bit light. I took particular interest in the stories of the action and consequences of what's going on overseas and it brought back to mind the phone call from yesterday and all my fears re-emerged. Yes I am scared, I am scared of a lot of things and I have no one to share my fear with and that is another thing that is bothering me, I fear that my lack of being able to share my emotions will leave me alone, I keep trying and yet I keep failing. So I will deal with it on my own as I have always done.
What do I have planned for the rest of the day? well I'm going to go out and attempt to study again. I have to, regardless of what I'm feeling inside or what may or may not occurr in my life. I must go on, if I don't then I've already given up and I'm not like that, a bit apathetic at times, a procrastinator of course, but a quiter? never.
Don't worry about me, I'll be okay. Someday.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
I'm going to add more later, I've just got to run out for some caffeine with friends, I hope everyone is having a good weekend and all that.
The FridayFive on a Sunday who would of thought?
1. Do you watch sports? If so, which ones?
- I don't follow sports, but I will watch Football with friends or family, Hockey too and others.
2. What/who are your favorite sports teams and/or favorite athletes?
- I was born in Dallas, so I like the Cowboys ( Yes, even when they suck), AHL I like the Aero's,
3. Are there any sports you hate?
- I don't really hate anything, it's too strong of a word to apply to something.
4. Have you ever been to a sports event?
- Yes, Tons, I once had season tickets for Hockey (AHL not NHL)
5. Do/did you play any sports (in school or other)? How long did you play?
- Yes, I've played, Mountain Biking,Football, Baseball, Volleyball, Softball, Soccer, Track, tons of sports and I've been playing all my life
The FridayFive on a Sunday who would of thought?
1. Do you watch sports? If so, which ones?
- I don't follow sports, but I will watch Football with friends or family, Hockey too and others.
2. What/who are your favorite sports teams and/or favorite athletes?
- I was born in Dallas, so I like the Cowboys ( Yes, even when they suck), AHL I like the Aero's,
3. Are there any sports you hate?
- I don't really hate anything, it's too strong of a word to apply to something.
4. Have you ever been to a sports event?
- Yes, Tons, I once had season tickets for Hockey (AHL not NHL)
5. Do/did you play any sports (in school or other)? How long did you play?
- Yes, I've played, Mountain Biking,Football, Baseball, Volleyball, Softball, Soccer, Track, tons of sports and I've been playing all my life
Thursday, October 09, 2003
So I hung out with Lance Armstrong tonight, how rad is that? He was having a book signing at Bookpeople. I wore my International Mountain bikers association shirt with all the patches from where I've ridden and we traded stories of rides it was seriously excellent. too bad they wouldn't allow pictures though, but I did get an autograph on his latest book and that is still cool. So I got to meet someone famous, and you know what? he got to meet someone infamous.... me...haha. I'msure he gets that all the time. my friend nicki says she sees him at barton springs all the time, along with dozens of other celebrities, she's wasn't impressed. I love bookpeople, they always have these signings, in a couple of days Terry Pratchet will be there for one and I met Bruce Campbell there and a few others. Bruce was cool, I had no idea that he grew up with Sam Raimi and has a brother in the Army, it was great fun. You don't get to chat long with a line though so I make it a point to be towards the end of the line, that way I can chat a little bit and not too many people will get pissed at me.I know how to work a signing, got it down to an art practically, though I need to start bringing a chair, I was in line for almost 2 hours!!, though some people had been there since noon and already finished the book. So in comparison to some I didn't have to wait that long and I now have a signed copy of his book and I can check another celebrity off my list
As you can see I've had a bit too much caffeine tonight which was a consequence of studying really hard for my Exam this evening and I was really excited about meeting Lance, afterwards I just couldn't keep from being so stoked about it all and I wanted to share, but some of you might not want to listen to me ramble on and so now I must bid you goodnight I have to go harrass some more people about this and maybe try to study for my next exam...
As you can see I've had a bit too much caffeine tonight which was a consequence of studying really hard for my Exam this evening and I was really excited about meeting Lance, afterwards I just couldn't keep from being so stoked about it all and I wanted to share, but some of you might not want to listen to me ramble on and so now I must bid you goodnight I have to go harrass some more people about this and maybe try to study for my next exam...
It's Thursday evening and I've been studying like crazy for mid-terms, I just finished one about 20 minutes ago and I have another to study for, but it's not till next Tuesday, I've been spending all my free time with my face buried in books and going over graphs, charts and diagrams. I've had so much coffee that it's almost surpassed the blood levels in my system. I am supercharged and I just blew through a 100 question mid-term in like 20 minutes, does that seem a little fast to you? it does to me and I'll have to wait till Tuesday to find out how I did and then after that class I have my other mid-term which I'm not relishing.
What's been going on with Hugh you might ask? plenty. I've been doing odd jobs around Austin to help make money, different things which are keeping me well fed. Spending time with friends, not really going out, just hanging around the apartments. I've been focusing on my studies a lot, I've gotta make my grades count.
Tonight, there is a book signing by Lance Armstrong at Bookpeople here in Austin, Texas. I'm thinking of going, but my camera is busted. I might break down and buy a disposable, just for the photo opportunity. I'm a cyclist myself, though nowhere near his caliber. I admire him for his dedication to his family and his sport, not to mention his overcoming great odds to get where he is today. The signing isn't until 8:00 p.m. but I'm thinking there will be a long line and I want to get in there soon, so I'm going to head down there in a bit.
Yes I'm still mixed up in my head and there are things that need to be said to certain people in my life, Though scheduling is a conflict with speaking with them, it just doesn't seem to work out that when I attempt to contact them, well not everyone can be available when you want them and I understand that. So I'll keep trying and trying. I have to or what is it all for?
Well I'm out, wish me luck and I'll tell Lance y'all said hi!!
What's been going on with Hugh you might ask? plenty. I've been doing odd jobs around Austin to help make money, different things which are keeping me well fed. Spending time with friends, not really going out, just hanging around the apartments. I've been focusing on my studies a lot, I've gotta make my grades count.
Tonight, there is a book signing by Lance Armstrong at Bookpeople here in Austin, Texas. I'm thinking of going, but my camera is busted. I might break down and buy a disposable, just for the photo opportunity. I'm a cyclist myself, though nowhere near his caliber. I admire him for his dedication to his family and his sport, not to mention his overcoming great odds to get where he is today. The signing isn't until 8:00 p.m. but I'm thinking there will be a long line and I want to get in there soon, so I'm going to head down there in a bit.
Yes I'm still mixed up in my head and there are things that need to be said to certain people in my life, Though scheduling is a conflict with speaking with them, it just doesn't seem to work out that when I attempt to contact them, well not everyone can be available when you want them and I understand that. So I'll keep trying and trying. I have to or what is it all for?
Well I'm out, wish me luck and I'll tell Lance y'all said hi!!
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
A new day is this day, this Tuesday in Austin. I've tried so hard to run away from my problems from the pain I feel inside, but it seems you can't run away from something that is in you, that is you. It seems I needed the catalyst of losing someone I hold so close to my heart to bring this forth, So I will be spending some time in introspection, delving into how I feel and what I feel.
I think I seek out pain, not physical, though it finds me often enough, but emotional and mental, I think that I write better when I'm in pain, so I subconciously seek to get hurt, to better able to express my emotions on paper. I know it's hard for me to write when I'm happy, or at least it comes out more abstract than heartfelt. I don't think this is conducive to maintaining a relationship.
I just had a conversation with my Mom about what's going on with her and with the family and everything eerily enough she echoed almost exactly the words I use in my relationships, when they are ending that is, she said,"...I didn't tell you because I didn't want to dump on you, you're already dealing with so much, I didn't want to add to them with what's going on with us..." What I found odd was this is almost exactly the same words I've used in my most recent past. So I wonder if there is more of my parents in me than I previously thought. I don't know if I like that or not, it doesn't bode well for any relationship I'll ever be in, not to mention what I previously wrote about my relationships. but I know what the problem is, so why can't I change? I'd like to think I could stop the cycle, so many other people have. what should I do? how should I act/react? There are so many ponderables to this that I don't know where to begin. I think I analyze things too much...what do you think?
The weather here has been off and on, both rainy and sunny, I think that often mirrors how I've been feeling lately. I received a phone call from my unit this afternoon, they want me back on Active Duty, I was shocked, freaked out, I haven't even finished settling in here and then they call, how messed up is that. They asked me all these questions about what kind of tour I'd be able to do and I had to basically tell them that it didn't matter what answer I gave, because if they send me orders then I'll have to go regardless...
and on that note I'm off to shower and then class...
have a great one all!
I think I seek out pain, not physical, though it finds me often enough, but emotional and mental, I think that I write better when I'm in pain, so I subconciously seek to get hurt, to better able to express my emotions on paper. I know it's hard for me to write when I'm happy, or at least it comes out more abstract than heartfelt. I don't think this is conducive to maintaining a relationship.
I just had a conversation with my Mom about what's going on with her and with the family and everything eerily enough she echoed almost exactly the words I use in my relationships, when they are ending that is, she said,"...I didn't tell you because I didn't want to dump on you, you're already dealing with so much, I didn't want to add to them with what's going on with us..." What I found odd was this is almost exactly the same words I've used in my most recent past. So I wonder if there is more of my parents in me than I previously thought. I don't know if I like that or not, it doesn't bode well for any relationship I'll ever be in, not to mention what I previously wrote about my relationships. but I know what the problem is, so why can't I change? I'd like to think I could stop the cycle, so many other people have. what should I do? how should I act/react? There are so many ponderables to this that I don't know where to begin. I think I analyze things too much...what do you think?
The weather here has been off and on, both rainy and sunny, I think that often mirrors how I've been feeling lately. I received a phone call from my unit this afternoon, they want me back on Active Duty, I was shocked, freaked out, I haven't even finished settling in here and then they call, how messed up is that. They asked me all these questions about what kind of tour I'd be able to do and I had to basically tell them that it didn't matter what answer I gave, because if they send me orders then I'll have to go regardless...
and on that note I'm off to shower and then class...
have a great one all!
Monday, October 06, 2003
It's Monday night and as a friend so aptly put it it's time to wake up and smell the pigskin, yes my friends thats right it's time for Monday Night Football and a bunch of us are going out to watch the game.
Today was both a good and lethargic day, the weather has mirrored my soul with it's grey cloudy skies and rain.
but before I get into that I want to say that I woke up from sleeping at 3:36 a.m. this morning and my face was wet, apparantly I've been crying in my sleep again, yesterday I thought about so many things in my life and how everything seems to be out of my control, I think there's more going on beneath the surface than I really understand right now. some of you may have read my man apart series and others I'd like you to take a look at it, read it from the bottom up, those aren't the real dates that they were written, I have those in my journals, but at the times they mirrored my soul and often what was going on in my life at the time. let me know what you think.
And speaking of writing, I recently found out my friend Anita writes as well and very well at that. It seems I am surrounded by a plethora of unknown writers/lyricists and poets. I'd like to know if you have anything to share.
Back to my day, it began early as I mentioned previously, I've been having trouble sleeping, it seems I've got a lot on my mind lately and other things just keep piling up, I feel the weight pressing down on me constantly. so much so that my shoulders hurt from the strain. This morning dawned early, I took my friend Nicki to work, we talked along the way, there are some things that we need to discuss, but neither of us brought those up. We might be collaborating on some lyrics, but I think I'm going to let her do it herself so that if she does use it for her band there won't be any copyright issues...
After dropping Nicki off, I came back here and I think I spaced out for about the whole day...I don't remember what I did, I think I just sat here and either slept in my chair or stared off into space... I think I did that all day, until it was time to pick up Nicki in the afternoon. I don't know what's going on with me, I feel so lethargic, so out of it, what's wrong with me? I picked nicki up and was really hungry so I took her to Chili's for lunch, I just didn't want to come back to the apartments, Chili's turned out to be a great idea, our waiter kicked ass, and the food was a good change from Ramen and Frozen burritos... I worked on some writing, it sucks, but at least I was writing again. this past weekend I went to Bookpeople and picked out some new books, I don't read as much as I used to and I need to regain what I've lost from my vocabulary.
So tonight I'm going out, just to get out, with people I don't know to a place I've never been and to do something I never really do... whatever, whatever...
Today was both a good and lethargic day, the weather has mirrored my soul with it's grey cloudy skies and rain.
but before I get into that I want to say that I woke up from sleeping at 3:36 a.m. this morning and my face was wet, apparantly I've been crying in my sleep again, yesterday I thought about so many things in my life and how everything seems to be out of my control, I think there's more going on beneath the surface than I really understand right now. some of you may have read my man apart series and others I'd like you to take a look at it, read it from the bottom up, those aren't the real dates that they were written, I have those in my journals, but at the times they mirrored my soul and often what was going on in my life at the time. let me know what you think.
And speaking of writing, I recently found out my friend Anita writes as well and very well at that. It seems I am surrounded by a plethora of unknown writers/lyricists and poets. I'd like to know if you have anything to share.
Back to my day, it began early as I mentioned previously, I've been having trouble sleeping, it seems I've got a lot on my mind lately and other things just keep piling up, I feel the weight pressing down on me constantly. so much so that my shoulders hurt from the strain. This morning dawned early, I took my friend Nicki to work, we talked along the way, there are some things that we need to discuss, but neither of us brought those up. We might be collaborating on some lyrics, but I think I'm going to let her do it herself so that if she does use it for her band there won't be any copyright issues...
After dropping Nicki off, I came back here and I think I spaced out for about the whole day...I don't remember what I did, I think I just sat here and either slept in my chair or stared off into space... I think I did that all day, until it was time to pick up Nicki in the afternoon. I don't know what's going on with me, I feel so lethargic, so out of it, what's wrong with me? I picked nicki up and was really hungry so I took her to Chili's for lunch, I just didn't want to come back to the apartments, Chili's turned out to be a great idea, our waiter kicked ass, and the food was a good change from Ramen and Frozen burritos... I worked on some writing, it sucks, but at least I was writing again. this past weekend I went to Bookpeople and picked out some new books, I don't read as much as I used to and I need to regain what I've lost from my vocabulary.
So tonight I'm going out, just to get out, with people I don't know to a place I've never been and to do something I never really do... whatever, whatever...
Sunday, October 05, 2003
Have you ever had one of those months? Where everything in your life just seemed to flush itself down the drain? I don't know how to express it, to explain how messed up this past month has been. There have been good times as well as bad, but most of it has been bad and I haven't been able to share what I'm really feeling with anyone. I have loved and lost that love due to my inability to communicate and my evident fear of actually having something good in my life. Ever since Michelle and I broke up years ago I have this problem with maintaining any sort of relationship for very long. Not to mention the fact that growing up in the environment I did, with parents who should never have gotten together and who love to hate each other, but can't see themselves with anyone else or fear to be alone, Where arguments are a way of life/conversation, is not really coducive to helping me develop an ability to have a well balanced relationship. It always starts out so well and then I get scared or apathetic or whatever it's called and we break up, more often than nought it's the girl I'm with that does the breaking up. So here follows an edited excerpt from an email which I wrote previously, writing helps me get what I've got going on inside out, so this might not make a lot of sense to most of you, but I just need to get it out.
I'm shaking right now, this is so hard for me to talk about. A conversation ended and so much more is now ended. It's all my fault I know it was said different, but I screwed up, I know. I wanted so much to tell the truth of my feelings to let someone in so deep that I'd drown with them. I want so much for them to be happy. I'm sorry I gave you reason to have the strength to say goodbye to us.
I know I wasn't being fare to you, it wasn't the way to have a relationship, that all you were able to get from me came from either reading this Weblog or through emails, a relationship is with a Human being not with a computer, But I write and everything comes out, pouring onto the page, it's easier for me to converse this way. I always send emails and then realize that what I just wrote in the email, was what was/is going on in my life and then I post it to my Weblog for others to read, it's not always the full story and I'm sorry I have trouble sharing.
When I was younger, I had so much emotion and it was wild, out of control, I couldn't handle it. I went from Happy to Full blown angry in nanoseconds then to extreme remorse for whatever altercation or argument had just occurred and I couldn't stop crying. I sought help, yes I did see a psychiatrist or two for awhile, eventually I was hospitalized or institutionalized, whatever you want to call it, I was in a locked installation on a lot of medication, they did all these tests and counseling sessions and eventually at the end of the time that my insurance would cover I was pronounced healed and healthy, when I was just another over-medicated automaton, going through the motions of life, but not really living. For years I existed this way and I didn't like who I was before, but I couldn't be who I was now, The anger and the pain was still inside it never went away and I had no way to deal with it. So I hid myself from the world, I buried myself in books, started reading about all varieties of things, from sci-fi/fantasy, fiction, books on meditation and martial arts. I learned to control my emotions to lock things away inside so that I didn't have to deal with them and I slowly began taking my self off my medication, but it wasn't working, so I went cold turkey and it sucked for a long while, but I got through it, but the fact remains that I learned to control my emotions so well, that I locked them away behind this mask and it is so hard for me to let people in. I know it's hard to believe, but inside I feel so much, though on the outside all you'll see is my physical presence.
I don't know what I'm going to accomplish in writing this, so I'm just writing to write and there is so much beneath the surface that is bubbling up and it's almost too much for me to handle right now, I'm going to take a break in a few minutes to calm myself down, I can feel the tears in my eyes, the emotion deep inside, it's burning up through me seeking a release, I don't want it to get out, but I can't hold it inside any longer... god it hurts so much to be me sometimes...
I don't know what to say to let you know that I still care about you so much...
I tried to talk about what happened this past weekend but the words just couldn't come out. I hurt so much inside, my friends are in the hospital, I tried to see Drew, but he's not doing very well, he may be paralyzed for life, everythings going to change for him, I know the part of the hospital he's in, cause I've been there before and that brought back memories of pain, I've come back from so much and I still carry the memories, the phantom pains aren't real but they feel so real it hurts inside. My good friend Jason's in the hospital too, I didn't know what was going on with him and I was talking to his girlfriend leslie and she was so worried, he's going to have to have surgery... it's easy to talk about my friends they are close to me, but they aren't personal, they touch part of my life, but then they don't. do you understand? It's like it's a safe subject to discuss it doesn't touch on what's going on inside me and even thought I write about it, I'm not sure if what's really bothering me is what's coming out...
The situation with my family is bothering me, they let me go, but then they seem to pull me back in deeper... Their future is so much in doubt.
My Father is a huge procrastinator and he puts the blame for things on other people, when he needs to realize that the problems at home begin with himself, He's so heavily medicated at times that it worries me, he always seems to be in pain, I don't think he'll ever be able to have a regular job again, I fear that I may become my father and I don't want that,
or worse that I might become like my mother and I don't want that ever, She is buying things she doesn't need, drinking, gambling and who knows what else. It's like she fears to not have stuff so she buys everything she can get her hands on, she drinks like crazy, is always out at a bar or off spending time with her friends, when she does work she claims that all the money is hers to do with as she pleases, she doesn't think about the family at all.
There are aspects of them that are so great, but then I find out that that's just a mask hiding so much more. I don't want a relationship like theres. they hate each other and yet they can't see themselves without each other, maybe that's why I tend to drive people I care about away, because I worry that I might come to be what my parents are...
Then there's my brother to provide for, he's the innocent one in all of this, what's going to happen to him? where's he going to go? I can't help him out, I have to work on myself first. He doesn't have a college education and barely a high school one, he's doing okay at a grocery store night stocking, but what else motivates him? only video games and comics, I don't know if he even wants more out of life? has he been so discouraged that he's come to accept what he's got? He's growing up but at such a slower pace that I fear for him so much.
I was just in Houston and they lied to me?! my own parents, they told me everything was okay and it was a lie, they lied to me again. Then they asked me for more money and help and I can't help them I have nothing to give. I don't know what to do. They may have to move to Dallas to live with my grandparents, but my Grandparents aren't doing much better, My Grandfather is in the Hospital again, he's fighting leukemia now, he's so strong, he kicks ass he's so cool, it's just that he has fought off other forms of cancer and so much else in life, I don't think he'd be able to handle my parents and my brother living there and what would they do in Dallas?? I have no clue... My Grandmother isn't up to having them there either... she's not a nice person and every year she gets worse... I can't even begin to describe her... I think my whole family is messed up in some sort of way and I'm including myself in that statement.
My sister too lost her home and has moved in with her mother-in-law. she's living with my nieces and nephew in a travel trailor, I worry about their sense of family and stability and how it's going to effect their growth. Vicky is going back to school but she doesn't have a vehicle to get there, she did get a job at the financial aid office, so at least she's making an effort and I applaud her for that, but the children, that's no way to grow up. Her husband is doing what he can, but he owns his own contractor business and if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid and he's not had work in awhile.
As for myself, I've been so worried about various things in my life like this, it's eating me up inside and I wanted so much to talk about what's going on in my life, but I thought it would drive people away, make y'all think less of me if I seemed weak, or that I might have had too many problems for you to deal with, but I know that's stupid, I knew that even before everything, that's why I said what I said, that I hold back information because I'm scared to let people know what's going on in my mind.. scared that They'll be put off by the pain and burdens I place on myself... I know what I do and it's stupid of me to keep doing it, but I don't realize it until too late. I keep myself trapped within a mental cage, I tried talking with with the people in my life, but I keep backing off, Everyone is so busy with everything in their lives. I didn't want to add to their load, you're all so strong and you have so much to deal with already and I can't expect you to deal with my own as well as yours...
I want someone to be a part of my life, more so than some might think. I want someone to be my everything, to break my walls down and get me to open up, I'm so ready to dive full in, but I'm afraid of drowning and now I've screwed up and I just hope that in the future there might be more time for someone to be with together. I don't know what the future holds for any of us, but I know I want an amazing person who is so beautiful and gifted that I can't see my life without them in it.
I'm sorry that I made the people I truly care about feel in any other way than loved, than what you truly mean to me... I don't want you to think you have a relationship with my computer more so than with me and yet here I sit pouring my heart out on a computer, because once again I've screwed up... I'm sorry forgive me..
I know this is getting long and it's stuff I should have told you in person, but I'm a fool to think I couldn't have, I'm such a fool, practically the King of fools...
with love,
Hugh
This weeks edition of the Friday Five arriving a bit late, but here it is...enjoy:
1. What vehicle do you drive?
- It seems this question is coming up alot in recent question things, anyway I'm driving a 1988 S-10 Blazer, it's a little beat up, but running well.
2. How long have you had it?
- I haven't had it that long, but it's been in the family for years.
3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle?
- the memories, those are the coolest.
4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle?
- the very real lack of air conditioning
5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now?
- I need something to haul both my friends and my crap in so something like a decked out 4Runner, or maybe a Hummer older model of course, not this new plastic kind.
I'm shaking right now, this is so hard for me to talk about. A conversation ended and so much more is now ended. It's all my fault I know it was said different, but I screwed up, I know. I wanted so much to tell the truth of my feelings to let someone in so deep that I'd drown with them. I want so much for them to be happy. I'm sorry I gave you reason to have the strength to say goodbye to us.
I know I wasn't being fare to you, it wasn't the way to have a relationship, that all you were able to get from me came from either reading this Weblog or through emails, a relationship is with a Human being not with a computer, But I write and everything comes out, pouring onto the page, it's easier for me to converse this way. I always send emails and then realize that what I just wrote in the email, was what was/is going on in my life and then I post it to my Weblog for others to read, it's not always the full story and I'm sorry I have trouble sharing.
When I was younger, I had so much emotion and it was wild, out of control, I couldn't handle it. I went from Happy to Full blown angry in nanoseconds then to extreme remorse for whatever altercation or argument had just occurred and I couldn't stop crying. I sought help, yes I did see a psychiatrist or two for awhile, eventually I was hospitalized or institutionalized, whatever you want to call it, I was in a locked installation on a lot of medication, they did all these tests and counseling sessions and eventually at the end of the time that my insurance would cover I was pronounced healed and healthy, when I was just another over-medicated automaton, going through the motions of life, but not really living. For years I existed this way and I didn't like who I was before, but I couldn't be who I was now, The anger and the pain was still inside it never went away and I had no way to deal with it. So I hid myself from the world, I buried myself in books, started reading about all varieties of things, from sci-fi/fantasy, fiction, books on meditation and martial arts. I learned to control my emotions to lock things away inside so that I didn't have to deal with them and I slowly began taking my self off my medication, but it wasn't working, so I went cold turkey and it sucked for a long while, but I got through it, but the fact remains that I learned to control my emotions so well, that I locked them away behind this mask and it is so hard for me to let people in. I know it's hard to believe, but inside I feel so much, though on the outside all you'll see is my physical presence.
I don't know what I'm going to accomplish in writing this, so I'm just writing to write and there is so much beneath the surface that is bubbling up and it's almost too much for me to handle right now, I'm going to take a break in a few minutes to calm myself down, I can feel the tears in my eyes, the emotion deep inside, it's burning up through me seeking a release, I don't want it to get out, but I can't hold it inside any longer... god it hurts so much to be me sometimes...
I don't know what to say to let you know that I still care about you so much...
I tried to talk about what happened this past weekend but the words just couldn't come out. I hurt so much inside, my friends are in the hospital, I tried to see Drew, but he's not doing very well, he may be paralyzed for life, everythings going to change for him, I know the part of the hospital he's in, cause I've been there before and that brought back memories of pain, I've come back from so much and I still carry the memories, the phantom pains aren't real but they feel so real it hurts inside. My good friend Jason's in the hospital too, I didn't know what was going on with him and I was talking to his girlfriend leslie and she was so worried, he's going to have to have surgery... it's easy to talk about my friends they are close to me, but they aren't personal, they touch part of my life, but then they don't. do you understand? It's like it's a safe subject to discuss it doesn't touch on what's going on inside me and even thought I write about it, I'm not sure if what's really bothering me is what's coming out...
The situation with my family is bothering me, they let me go, but then they seem to pull me back in deeper... Their future is so much in doubt.
My Father is a huge procrastinator and he puts the blame for things on other people, when he needs to realize that the problems at home begin with himself, He's so heavily medicated at times that it worries me, he always seems to be in pain, I don't think he'll ever be able to have a regular job again, I fear that I may become my father and I don't want that,
or worse that I might become like my mother and I don't want that ever, She is buying things she doesn't need, drinking, gambling and who knows what else. It's like she fears to not have stuff so she buys everything she can get her hands on, she drinks like crazy, is always out at a bar or off spending time with her friends, when she does work she claims that all the money is hers to do with as she pleases, she doesn't think about the family at all.
There are aspects of them that are so great, but then I find out that that's just a mask hiding so much more. I don't want a relationship like theres. they hate each other and yet they can't see themselves without each other, maybe that's why I tend to drive people I care about away, because I worry that I might come to be what my parents are...
Then there's my brother to provide for, he's the innocent one in all of this, what's going to happen to him? where's he going to go? I can't help him out, I have to work on myself first. He doesn't have a college education and barely a high school one, he's doing okay at a grocery store night stocking, but what else motivates him? only video games and comics, I don't know if he even wants more out of life? has he been so discouraged that he's come to accept what he's got? He's growing up but at such a slower pace that I fear for him so much.
I was just in Houston and they lied to me?! my own parents, they told me everything was okay and it was a lie, they lied to me again. Then they asked me for more money and help and I can't help them I have nothing to give. I don't know what to do. They may have to move to Dallas to live with my grandparents, but my Grandparents aren't doing much better, My Grandfather is in the Hospital again, he's fighting leukemia now, he's so strong, he kicks ass he's so cool, it's just that he has fought off other forms of cancer and so much else in life, I don't think he'd be able to handle my parents and my brother living there and what would they do in Dallas?? I have no clue... My Grandmother isn't up to having them there either... she's not a nice person and every year she gets worse... I can't even begin to describe her... I think my whole family is messed up in some sort of way and I'm including myself in that statement.
My sister too lost her home and has moved in with her mother-in-law. she's living with my nieces and nephew in a travel trailor, I worry about their sense of family and stability and how it's going to effect their growth. Vicky is going back to school but she doesn't have a vehicle to get there, she did get a job at the financial aid office, so at least she's making an effort and I applaud her for that, but the children, that's no way to grow up. Her husband is doing what he can, but he owns his own contractor business and if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid and he's not had work in awhile.
As for myself, I've been so worried about various things in my life like this, it's eating me up inside and I wanted so much to talk about what's going on in my life, but I thought it would drive people away, make y'all think less of me if I seemed weak, or that I might have had too many problems for you to deal with, but I know that's stupid, I knew that even before everything, that's why I said what I said, that I hold back information because I'm scared to let people know what's going on in my mind.. scared that They'll be put off by the pain and burdens I place on myself... I know what I do and it's stupid of me to keep doing it, but I don't realize it until too late. I keep myself trapped within a mental cage, I tried talking with with the people in my life, but I keep backing off, Everyone is so busy with everything in their lives. I didn't want to add to their load, you're all so strong and you have so much to deal with already and I can't expect you to deal with my own as well as yours...
I want someone to be a part of my life, more so than some might think. I want someone to be my everything, to break my walls down and get me to open up, I'm so ready to dive full in, but I'm afraid of drowning and now I've screwed up and I just hope that in the future there might be more time for someone to be with together. I don't know what the future holds for any of us, but I know I want an amazing person who is so beautiful and gifted that I can't see my life without them in it.
I'm sorry that I made the people I truly care about feel in any other way than loved, than what you truly mean to me... I don't want you to think you have a relationship with my computer more so than with me and yet here I sit pouring my heart out on a computer, because once again I've screwed up... I'm sorry forgive me..
I know this is getting long and it's stuff I should have told you in person, but I'm a fool to think I couldn't have, I'm such a fool, practically the King of fools...
with love,
Hugh
This weeks edition of the Friday Five arriving a bit late, but here it is...enjoy:
1. What vehicle do you drive?
- It seems this question is coming up alot in recent question things, anyway I'm driving a 1988 S-10 Blazer, it's a little beat up, but running well.
2. How long have you had it?
- I haven't had it that long, but it's been in the family for years.
3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle?
- the memories, those are the coolest.
4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle?
- the very real lack of air conditioning
5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now?
- I need something to haul both my friends and my crap in so something like a decked out 4Runner, or maybe a Hummer older model of course, not this new plastic kind.
Thursday, October 02, 2003
this is hard
i want what i can't have
in so many ways this is not healthy
but in so many ways
to us i am addicted
maybe we just need to be away from each other
for a while
for good
for ever
for never
i want you and you want me
but for some reason or another
our time--we just can't be
is this my mistake or your's
maybe it's ours or just the fruition of fate
either way i'm left to be miserable again
surrounded yet alone
no one to call my own
to be selfish and selfless
i want you to be happy
but i don't want to sacrifice
my own happiness yet again
i am a free man
but my freedom comes at a price
am i bound by my own hands
blinded by my own vision
life love happiness
the meaning of their existence
the meaning of my existence
the ramblings of a weary soul
the emotions of a broken heart
these tears burn like acid
leaving tracks upon my face
for which I have nothing to replace
in all things--intensity--in all things
i want what i can't have
in so many ways this is not healthy
but in so many ways
to us i am addicted
maybe we just need to be away from each other
for a while
for good
for ever
for never
i want you and you want me
but for some reason or another
our time--we just can't be
is this my mistake or your's
maybe it's ours or just the fruition of fate
either way i'm left to be miserable again
surrounded yet alone
no one to call my own
to be selfish and selfless
i want you to be happy
but i don't want to sacrifice
my own happiness yet again
i am a free man
but my freedom comes at a price
am i bound by my own hands
blinded by my own vision
life love happiness
the meaning of their existence
the meaning of my existence
the ramblings of a weary soul
the emotions of a broken heart
these tears burn like acid
leaving tracks upon my face
for which I have nothing to replace
in all things--intensity--in all things
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