Have you ever had one of those months? Where everything in your life just seemed to flush itself down the drain? I don't know how to express it, to explain how messed up this past month has been. There have been good times as well as bad, but most of it has been bad and I haven't been able to share what I'm really feeling with anyone. I have loved and lost that love due to my inability to communicate and my evident fear of actually having something good in my life. Ever since Michelle and I broke up years ago I have this problem with maintaining any sort of relationship for very long. Not to mention the fact that growing up in the environment I did, with parents who should never have gotten together and who love to hate each other, but can't see themselves with anyone else or fear to be alone, Where arguments are a way of life/conversation, is not really coducive to helping me develop an ability to have a well balanced relationship. It always starts out so well and then I get scared or apathetic or whatever it's called and we break up, more often than nought it's the girl I'm with that does the breaking up. So here follows an edited excerpt from an email which I wrote previously, writing helps me get what I've got going on inside out, so this might not make a lot of sense to most of you, but I just need to get it out.

I'm shaking right now, this is so hard for me to talk about. A conversation ended and so much more is now ended. It's all my fault I know it was said different, but I screwed up, I know. I wanted so much to tell the truth of my feelings to let someone in so deep that I'd drown with them. I want so much for them to be happy. I'm sorry I gave you reason to have the strength to say goodbye to us.

I know I wasn't being fare to you, it wasn't the way to have a relationship, that all you were able to get from me came from either reading this Weblog or through emails, a relationship is with a Human being not with a computer, But I write and everything comes out, pouring onto the page, it's easier for me to converse this way. I always send emails and then realize that what I just wrote in the email, was what was/is going on in my life and then I post it to my Weblog for others to read, it's not always the full story and I'm sorry I have trouble sharing.

When I was younger, I had so much emotion and it was wild, out of control, I couldn't handle it. I went from Happy to Full blown angry in nanoseconds then to extreme remorse for whatever altercation or argument had just occurred and I couldn't stop crying. I sought help, yes I did see a psychiatrist or two for awhile, eventually I was hospitalized or institutionalized, whatever you want to call it, I was in a locked installation on a lot of medication, they did all these tests and counseling sessions and eventually at the end of the time that my insurance would cover I was pronounced healed and healthy, when I was just another over-medicated automaton, going through the motions of life, but not really living. For years I existed this way and I didn't like who I was before, but I couldn't be who I was now, The anger and the pain was still inside it never went away and I had no way to deal with it. So I hid myself from the world, I buried myself in books, started reading about all varieties of things, from sci-fi/fantasy, fiction, books on meditation and martial arts. I learned to control my emotions to lock things away inside so that I didn't have to deal with them and I slowly began taking my self off my medication, but it wasn't working, so I went cold turkey and it sucked for a long while, but I got through it, but the fact remains that I learned to control my emotions so well, that I locked them away behind this mask and it is so hard for me to let people in. I know it's hard to believe, but inside I feel so much, though on the outside all you'll see is my physical presence.

I don't know what I'm going to accomplish in writing this, so I'm just writing to write and there is so much beneath the surface that is bubbling up and it's almost too much for me to handle right now, I'm going to take a break in a few minutes to calm myself down, I can feel the tears in my eyes, the emotion deep inside, it's burning up through me seeking a release, I don't want it to get out, but I can't hold it inside any longer... god it hurts so much to be me sometimes...

I don't know what to say to let you know that I still care about you so much...

I tried to talk about what happened this past weekend but the words just couldn't come out. I hurt so much inside, my friends are in the hospital, I tried to see Drew, but he's not doing very well, he may be paralyzed for life, everythings going to change for him, I know the part of the hospital he's in, cause I've been there before and that brought back memories of pain, I've come back from so much and I still carry the memories, the phantom pains aren't real but they feel so real it hurts inside. My good friend Jason's in the hospital too, I didn't know what was going on with him and I was talking to his girlfriend leslie and she was so worried, he's going to have to have surgery... it's easy to talk about my friends they are close to me, but they aren't personal, they touch part of my life, but then they don't. do you understand? It's like it's a safe subject to discuss it doesn't touch on what's going on inside me and even thought I write about it, I'm not sure if what's really bothering me is what's coming out...

The situation with my family is bothering me, they let me go, but then they seem to pull me back in deeper... Their future is so much in doubt.

My Father is a huge procrastinator and he puts the blame for things on other people, when he needs to realize that the problems at home begin with himself, He's so heavily medicated at times that it worries me, he always seems to be in pain, I don't think he'll ever be able to have a regular job again, I fear that I may become my father and I don't want that,

or worse that I might become like my mother and I don't want that ever, She is buying things she doesn't need, drinking, gambling and who knows what else. It's like she fears to not have stuff so she buys everything she can get her hands on, she drinks like crazy, is always out at a bar or off spending time with her friends, when she does work she claims that all the money is hers to do with as she pleases, she doesn't think about the family at all.

There are aspects of them that are so great, but then I find out that that's just a mask hiding so much more. I don't want a relationship like theres. they hate each other and yet they can't see themselves without each other, maybe that's why I tend to drive people I care about away, because I worry that I might come to be what my parents are...

Then there's my brother to provide for, he's the innocent one in all of this, what's going to happen to him? where's he going to go? I can't help him out, I have to work on myself first. He doesn't have a college education and barely a high school one, he's doing okay at a grocery store night stocking, but what else motivates him? only video games and comics, I don't know if he even wants more out of life? has he been so discouraged that he's come to accept what he's got? He's growing up but at such a slower pace that I fear for him so much.

I was just in Houston and they lied to me?! my own parents, they told me everything was okay and it was a lie, they lied to me again. Then they asked me for more money and help and I can't help them I have nothing to give. I don't know what to do. They may have to move to Dallas to live with my grandparents, but my Grandparents aren't doing much better, My Grandfather is in the Hospital again, he's fighting leukemia now, he's so strong, he kicks ass he's so cool, it's just that he has fought off other forms of cancer and so much else in life, I don't think he'd be able to handle my parents and my brother living there and what would they do in Dallas?? I have no clue... My Grandmother isn't up to having them there either... she's not a nice person and every year she gets worse... I can't even begin to describe her... I think my whole family is messed up in some sort of way and I'm including myself in that statement.

My sister too lost her home and has moved in with her mother-in-law. she's living with my nieces and nephew in a travel trailor, I worry about their sense of family and stability and how it's going to effect their growth. Vicky is going back to school but she doesn't have a vehicle to get there, she did get a job at the financial aid office, so at least she's making an effort and I applaud her for that, but the children, that's no way to grow up. Her husband is doing what he can, but he owns his own contractor business and if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid and he's not had work in awhile.

As for myself, I've been so worried about various things in my life like this, it's eating me up inside and I wanted so much to talk about what's going on in my life, but I thought it would drive people away, make y'all think less of me if I seemed weak, or that I might have had too many problems for you to deal with, but I know that's stupid, I knew that even before everything, that's why I said what I said, that I hold back information because I'm scared to let people know what's going on in my mind.. scared that They'll be put off by the pain and burdens I place on myself... I know what I do and it's stupid of me to keep doing it, but I don't realize it until too late. I keep myself trapped within a mental cage, I tried talking with with the people in my life, but I keep backing off, Everyone is so busy with everything in their lives. I didn't want to add to their load, you're all so strong and you have so much to deal with already and I can't expect you to deal with my own as well as yours...

I want someone to be a part of my life, more so than some might think. I want someone to be my everything, to break my walls down and get me to open up, I'm so ready to dive full in, but I'm afraid of drowning and now I've screwed up and I just hope that in the future there might be more time for someone to be with together. I don't know what the future holds for any of us, but I know I want an amazing person who is so beautiful and gifted that I can't see my life without them in it.

I'm sorry that I made the people I truly care about feel in any other way than loved, than what you truly mean to me... I don't want you to think you have a relationship with my computer more so than with me and yet here I sit pouring my heart out on a computer, because once again I've screwed up... I'm sorry forgive me..

I know this is getting long and it's stuff I should have told you in person, but I'm a fool to think I couldn't have, I'm such a fool, practically the King of fools...

with love,
Hugh

This weeks edition of the Friday Five arriving a bit late, but here it is...enjoy:
1. What vehicle do you drive?
- It seems this question is coming up alot in recent question things, anyway I'm driving a 1988 S-10 Blazer, it's a little beat up, but running well.
2. How long have you had it?
- I haven't had it that long, but it's been in the family for years.
3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle?
- the memories, those are the coolest.
4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle?
- the very real lack of air conditioning
5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now?
- I need something to haul both my friends and my crap in so something like a decked out 4Runner, or maybe a Hummer older model of course, not this new plastic kind.