A new day is this day, this Tuesday in Austin. I've tried so hard to run away from my problems from the pain I feel inside, but it seems you can't run away from something that is in you, that is you. It seems I needed the catalyst of losing someone I hold so close to my heart to bring this forth, So I will be spending some time in introspection, delving into how I feel and what I feel.

I think I seek out pain, not physical, though it finds me often enough, but emotional and mental, I think that I write better when I'm in pain, so I subconciously seek to get hurt, to better able to express my emotions on paper. I know it's hard for me to write when I'm happy, or at least it comes out more abstract than heartfelt. I don't think this is conducive to maintaining a relationship.

I just had a conversation with my Mom about what's going on with her and with the family and everything eerily enough she echoed almost exactly the words I use in my relationships, when they are ending that is, she said,"...I didn't tell you because I didn't want to dump on you, you're already dealing with so much, I didn't want to add to them with what's going on with us..." What I found odd was this is almost exactly the same words I've used in my most recent past. So I wonder if there is more of my parents in me than I previously thought. I don't know if I like that or not, it doesn't bode well for any relationship I'll ever be in, not to mention what I previously wrote about my relationships. but I know what the problem is, so why can't I change? I'd like to think I could stop the cycle, so many other people have. what should I do? how should I act/react? There are so many ponderables to this that I don't know where to begin. I think I analyze things too much...what do you think?

The weather here has been off and on, both rainy and sunny, I think that often mirrors how I've been feeling lately. I received a phone call from my unit this afternoon, they want me back on Active Duty, I was shocked, freaked out, I haven't even finished settling in here and then they call, how messed up is that. They asked me all these questions about what kind of tour I'd be able to do and I had to basically tell them that it didn't matter what answer I gave, because if they send me orders then I'll have to go regardless...

and on that note I'm off to shower and then class...
have a great one all!