Things are changing in my life...

a conversation ended so many possibilities...

Life goes on an endless cycle...

time to cry...

time to say goodbye...

things are changing...

some things stay the same...

look out here comes the rain...

I've screwed up once again...

and now they change...

and I drown in the flood of pain...

life goes on an endless cycle...

changing...

I went home to Spring this past weekend and it was such a drain, I did get to see my family again, they lied to me again, I don't know what's going on with them and I don't think I ever truly will. I need some form of truth in my life, some semblance of reality. I worry so much about them, they tried to put on a brave face for me, but I know that there is something wrong, terribly wrong and they won't tell me about it...

I didn't get to see my sister, she had to move again, it makes me worry for her children, those bright shining creations, I worry for their future with no sense of stability or a true sense of family, when they're being shuffled around so much. I worry for their futures. I want so much for them, but I can't even begin to provide for them, when I can't even begin to provide for myself...

My friend Jason is once again in the Hospital, Leslie says he's just in for tests, but you don't continuosly go to the hospital for tests and there not be something wrong, I think of them and I hope for the best for him. They make each other so happy...

My other friend, Drew, the one who was in the wreck still isn't seeing anyone, He's one of the main reasons I went to Spring, but I called around and he wasn't available to see anybody or he didn't want anyone to see him and that worries me. That he might not be able to accept what has happened, I know it's something life altering and that it will take time, but to be able to accept what has happened would be a great step for him. I got a couple of cards for him and tried to express my sympathies, but they all said something about, " hoping to see you back on your feet soon, or something like that" and what do you say? how can you express in words your knowledge that you know he may never walk again? You can't it's almost impossible, so I tried my best, but nothing would come, I simply wrote a few lines and passed it on, hopefully, it will get to him and he'll understand, I don't know. I couldn't say what I wanted to say and I'm usually good with words...

Then something happened this weekend when I was talking with a good friend of mine, She's going through a rough time in her life and it's all crashing down around her. she's going to have to make some huge decisions, life changing courses of action and she needed a friend to talk to and I tried to be there for her.

I don't know how to express what's going on inside my head, everythings a whirlwind.

I did get to see my good friends, Haitham, Candace, Clay, Nicole & her brother, Mike, David, Michelle, Jennifer. I also saw a good friend of mine's Mom while at Starbucks, Sean is on Active Duty with the Marines in Washington and I got to meet his fiance' so that was cool.I was able to speak with other's over the phone, Timbo, Jean, Sir Zach and Crystal. Not everyone could hang out, they all had previous plans, but it was good to hear their voices and to see them. My good friend Haitham's Birthday is in a few days, Happy Birthday Brother! He'll soon be leaving for Puerto Rico soon, You will be missed my friend.

I spent the weekend mostly at my parents, they were having a garage sale and needed help around the house, my Dad doesn't move as fast as he used to and he says he's going to need more surgery as the surgery he's had didn't help at all. My mother and father's relationship is an odd one and I won't even go into it here, it's just all so messed up. I was able to see my brother and talk with him for a bit, that was good, but he's stagnant in his life. It's like he doesn't have any ambition, he's found his place, where he fits and he's going to stay there... I worry so much for their futures as well, especially his. what's he going to do when my parents are gone? they won't be around forever... what's going to happen, I worry so much about the future that at sometimes I can't focus on the present...

I need a sign that this emptiness inside isn't so blank and spacious, I need a sign to know that I'm alive...I need to feel again, to wish again to be able to dream again... I want so much to make other's happy I forget about myself. what is there to do when you have nothing left to sing about? I want so much for my phone to ring right now, I'm waiting for a call an email an instant message I don't care where it comes from I just need to know...

Heading to Houston in a few hours, I spent the evening attempting to use my cel phone, but apparantly it's going crazy or something. Then next I watched Hypercube and another crazy offshoot of the blair witch movie, with Dave, Zach and Eric. I'm now headed to bed, I think this will be the last post for awhile, Stay tuned though, you never know when I'm going to drop in and hit you with something slightly less than inspirational. Have a great weekend all!

I may be headed to Houston sooner than I had planned, I just learned that a good friend of mine is in the Hospital, this adds another one, making two friends in the Hospital.

My friend, Jason, I just learned from reading Leslie's site is in St. Josephs and I don't know why, I know he's been having problems with his back, but I can't say for sure if that's why he's there.

My other friend Andrew or Drew as most of y'all know him from Houston/Spring was in a very bad motorcycle accident and I'm getting all sorts of crazy stories, Noone really knows anything concrete and I don't know what to believe, I know he's in Memorial Hospital and that he might be paralyzed, his family isn't letting anyone see him. They don't want to freak him or anyone else out, but it doesn't look good.

"Some people weave burlap into the fabric of our lives, and some weave gold thread. Both contribute to make the whole picture beautiful and unique." -Anon.

So I may be heading to Houston soon to see how things are with my family, my friends and everyone. It just makes me think about how fragile and precious life is. I really don't know what to think or to feel, What's happened isn't really real to me. I feel disconnected to everything outside of my influence. It makes me think that I don't know my friends as well as I should, That I don't try hard enough to maintain relationships.

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."
-John Burroughs

I have so much I want to do before I die, there are things I want to see, experiences I want to experience and a life that cries out that it must be lived! There are things I need to do before anything happens, don't worry I don't dwell on death or anything, Death and I have an odd relationship we've been so close to each other many times in the past due to wrecks and accidents that I don't worry or fear death, it's the fear of not having accomplished anything in my life, of not leaving behind any legacy, however minor. I want to do so many things for so many people.

"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead." -Anon.

"Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up." -Anon.

If you feel like it, you're welcome to sing along with me for as long as you like, my tune may be a little off key, but you're welcome to sing with me...

my photosite

It's lunch time and I'm out like a light...

I need some Tuesday morning philosophy...

oh and here's 100 questions I answered for you! I know its long, enjoy!

SIMPLE QUESTIONS:
1. Full name: Hugh Hudson Melrose III
2. Nicknames: Hug, Huge, Hue, Jed
3. Eyes: Brown
4. Height: 6'2"
5. Hair: light brown, cut short
6. Siblings: Younger Brother, Charles and Older Sister, Victoria
7. Do u like to sing in the shower? Yes and not just in the shower..
9. Birthday: 23 June
10. Sign: Cancer
11. Address: Austin, Tx 78705
12. Sex : Male
13. Righty or lefty: Right handed, but I'm working on my left
14. What's the most important thing that every relationship should have? Trust, Love, Friendship
15. Have u ever cheated? Nope
16. Marital status: In a Relationship, yep, that's right I gots me a woman!
17. Do you have a car? sort of, I'm using my Dad's 1988 Chevy S10 Blazer for now
18. What kinda car do you have/want: a slightly older Toyota 4Runner, I need a truck type vehichle that I can haul my gear and friends in.

FAVORITE QUESTIONS:
19. Movie: The Princess Bride
20. Song: I like all kinds of music...
21. Band/singer? same as above, I don't really have a favorite
22. TV Show: I don't watch TV.
23. Actor: Bruce Campbell
24. Actress: Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, they're classy and fun.
26. Number: 13, 23
27. Cartoon character: Stitch
28. Disney Character: Donald Duck
29. Colour: Blue

LOVE LIFE ETC:
30. Do you plan on having children: Yes, I love children, I enjoy spoiling my nieces and nephew.
31. Do you want to get married: Yes
33. How old do you wanna be when you get married: When the feeling is right, that's how old I'll be.
34. Would you have kids before marriage: I want to be set up before I have kids, some stability in my life, but if it happens then I'm all for it.
35. Do u have a b/f or g/f: Yes! A great girlfriend

EITHER-OR (PICK WHICH ONE YOU PREFER)
38. Music/TV: Music
39. Guys/Girls: Girls
40. Green/Blue: Blue
41. Pink/Purple: Purple
42. Summer/Winter: Summer, but winter's good for snugglin
43. Night/Day: Day
44. Hangin Out/Chillin: Hangin out
45. Dopey/Funny: Funny

46. You know I'm around when you hear: Laughing
48. Have you ever taken drugs? Prescription and alchohol is a drug and once upon a time I smoked cigarrettes, but I quit.
49. What's a major turn on for you? eyes, a great smile, physical contact, kissing
50. How far would you go on a first date? It depends on the person
51. Are you a virgin? No

52. Which people do you trust the most? My Dad, My Sister, Grace, Zach, Haitham, Timbo, Nicki, Aaron, Mike, Dave, Jeremy, Janae, Kathryn, Candace, Kyle Jack, Alicia, Anita, I do believe the list might almost be endless, I tend to trust too easily and too much...
53. What do you think of soul mates? I think there is a perfect person out there for everyone, you just have to find them, you may never know who that person is, they may be sitting right in front of you or one table over at the coffee shop
54. Is it right to flirt if you have a bf/gf? I'm a big flirt and I don't mean anything by it, it just comes out in conversation.
55: What was the last thing you cried over or got teary about? When i was thinking about the enormity of life's responsibilities, of a future that might be already written.
56. What's something about guys/girls you don't get? Girls - why do you always insist on wearing makeup? You don't need it to look beautiful.
57. Are you happy? Yes I am, though I have the tendency to be moody
58. Why? Cause I'm where I'd like to be in life right now. I've finally found someone I care for who returns my affections.. and just because my friends are near me, though not always physically, they are close.
59. What's an object you can't live without? Food, haha... honestly I'm not tied to material possessions
60. Love or lust: Love
61. Silver or gold: Silver
62. Diamond or pearl: They're stones, just rocks to me
64. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? yes
65. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: I used to and on occasion he still works his way into my bed, not a bear, but a Horse.
66. Do you have any piercings: nope and I'm not planning on any
67. What colour underpants are you wearing right now: Green Boxer's with little penguins wearing odd sorts of undergarments
68. What song are u listening to right now? Brian Adams, Everything I do, I do it for you.
69: What are the last 4 digits of your mobile number: 2848
70. Where would you want to go on your honeymoon? Europe would be great, to share all the old architecture and scenic views with someone you love, that would be stellar
71. Who do u want to spend the rest of your life with? my friends, my family and the one I love.
72. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: Eyes, hair, body shape
74. What makes you happy? Being with my friends and seeing that they're happy as well
75. What's the next c.d/s you're gonna get? Unknown...
76. Do u wear contacts or glasses? I wear glasses, yeah that's right I pimp the lenses, but not all the time.
77. What's the best advice given to you? Live life to the fullest
78. Have u ever won/earned any special awards? a few in the Boy Scouts, Sports, High School, The Army
79. What are your future goals: To be Happy,
80. Worst sickness u ever had? I think I had chicken pox once, I'm not sure, maybe food poisoning
81. Do you like Funny or Scary movies better? Both
82. On the phone or in person? In Person, but I'll take long talks on the phone too
83. Hugs or kisses? Both
84. What song seems to reflect you the most? hmmmm.... I'll have to think of this or perhaps take a poll among my friends.
85. If you died tomorrow who would you leave everything you own to? My friends and family
86. Do u have any enemies? I don't think so, I'm very forgiving.
89. what time is it now? 11:20 a.m.
90. Have you ever been in love? Yes
91. Have you met santa? Yeah at the mall when I was little
92. If E.T. knocked on your door holdin a peace sign and askin to use your phone what would you do? Invite him in and say "don't stay on the phone too long!"
93. Last time you talked to the person that you like: Last night
94. Do you have any pets? No, I had a dog, but he died and I haven't thought about getting a new one.
95. Whats your email address? imortalrooster@collegeclub.com, hugh.h.melrose@us.army.mil
96. Last time you were depressed: This past weekend when my ex called out of no where
97. Are you an alcoholic? No but I dont mind a drink or two shared with friends.
98. Who's ure closest friend? You if you're reading this far.
99. What do you think of this person: They're always there for me, plus they're just good to laugh with and hang out
100. What are you wearing right now? an old army grey PT shirt, a black belt, my boxers, Jeans, and my blues shoes with white socks.

"Where talent is a dwarf, self-esteem is a giant." -J. Petit-Senn, Conceits and Caprices
"The soul that is within me no man can degrade." -Frederick Douglas

I love qoutes, I think I've mentioned that enough in the past and these two exemplify something that I've been trying to express lately. Internal Strength is one that I seek to possess, Oh I know I have it in some small measure, but I know that at times I am so weak, so WEAK as to almost fall to my knees from the pressure's of life, but I don't quit, like the train from my childhood I keep driving forward despite the obstacles set against me. And I see my friends right along side me, they are on different tracks, sometimes ours cross, but they are moving forward on their own steam and I can see that some are ahead, a few others slightly behind, sometimes they are so close I can touch their inner engines, despite where they are on the great track of life, they are moving forward and I want so much to toss out some chains to help pull them along or push them forward. I sometimes annoy my friends with my seeking to help, but it's okay in the end we'll all succeed.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." -Helen Keller

Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written. I am by no means an author, but I have written in some small measure, but the things, the words and ideas that I have never put pen to paper with are exponential, there are things that are too personal, too emotional, too frightening, too hard to put words to and if I were to put them on paper the world would change, not the whole world, but my world such as it is. I thrive on self-conflict, an inner turmoil drives my writing and at times when I am truly happy I find that I cannot write. These past few weeks have been such a time in my life. I am unable to write, not here, but as creatively as I have in the past. I find it hard to put pen to paper and I wonder if I am seeking conflict, to create turmoil in my life so that I can have something to fuel my need to write?

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have faced adversity in my life, maybe not the same as you have faced, nor too an extent you may have faced, but I have faced adversity. From the sudden violent forms to the slow painstakingly time consuming adversity which tears at you in bits and pieces. I have stood firm, I have wavered and I have run. I have done all things in the face of adversity, because some things just can't be faced, while other's are too easy to face.

This weekend my good friend Timbo came into town to visit nicki and myself, I unfortunately didn't have anything planned nor have I been out enough in Austin to really know what to show. So we muddled our way around the local sites, but I think he had an okay time. we did what he had come to Austin for and that was to forget for awhile. hopefully life will be better for him soon. I myself attempted a few phone calls to people in my life. I was able to get through to several people I've been wanting to speak with while others weren't available, but that's understandable, each of us have our own lives to live. I was able to speak with my Dad and family back in Houston and everyone's doing well, or at least that's what they tell me. I honestly don't know what to believe from them anymore. I constantly wonder how they're doing. it drives me crazy thinking about it and I think I transfer that stress into my conversations here at El Rio.

I don't know if I should mention it or not, but a few days ago we were sitting around the office and discussing relationships, past and present, everyone was participating and I shared the one of part of why I moved to Austin, Yes part of the reason I first moved here was because of a girl, I really liked this girl and at the time she was everything engaging to me, Smart, funny, educated, Interesting... all types of positive adjectives. So I was out of work in Houston and couldn't get a job, the market was flooded with people seeking work. I had an offer for a job here in Austin and her offer of a place to live. I moved in with her, things changed between us and I had to move out, that's about all I'm going to go into that on here. and that's how I ended up finding El Rio, I don't know why or how, but this place was what I needed, there is something poetic about a river calling to me, to provide relief to my pain in the cool blue waters, to let the emotions flow away downstream, yes something poetic... but I digress, the other night, I received an unexpected phone call, it was her, she hadn't seen me at the starbucks in Spring, where I normally always am, I told her that I had moved back to Austin and was going to school, working and living my life. When I started asking her questions about how things were with her, she suddenly had to go and that's where our conversation ended. I don't know what to think, the last I knew she didn't ever want to speak to me again. I would like a friendship with her, we were good friends before. But I don't know. I tried to make a few phone calls after that to try to talk it over with some people, but I couldn't get ahold of anyone. Hopefully they'll read this and call me. but I've been in a bit of a funk since then, since she is now brought to the forefront of my mind...

So what do I do next? I ask you this...

"Draw a crazy picture, Write a nutty poem, Sing a mumble-gumble song, Whistle through your comb. Do a loony-goony dance, 'Cross the kitchen floor, Put something silly in the world That ain't been there before." -Shel Silverstein

I think I'll do that in the morning... goodnight all

To all my friends and family, how dearly do I love thee! I know I haven't been posting as often as I used to here and that's okay, I've been trying to find other creative outlets for my...umm...creativitiy..err imagination, whatever you get the picture.

Yesterday my good friend Timbo came into town to hang with Nicki, Dave and I, we wandered the town a bit, we laughed, we joked, Traded stories with other tenants, Eric, Zach ( not my good buddy ZachAttack from Houston, but another Zach ) Mike, Chris. I retold my stories of my Birthday this past year, of my Corolla incidences that were just crazy but oh so true. Some people have a hard time believing them, but honestly these are too insane and too real. I can't make stuff like what's happened to me in my life up. well I probably could, but these are real. It was good to share with the people I live with, I've been leaving the door to the office open so that others can come in and just hang out and a topic generally arises and conversation ensues, it's been good for a lot of people. I'm thinking they get to know me a little bit better and aren't so worried that I'm labeled the manager, but as I've said, I'm just like one of them, my paying rent situation is a little different, but still I got to school and so do they. I might be a bit older than a few of them, but not by much. I'm making more friends here, but don't worry I don't forget the old.

Last night plans were made to stay in and have a little party, but those were amended to getting out of the building and having a good time. Ashli, Seth, Irish and Mike went to a place called Sabba's or Samba's, I'm not sure, Tim, Nicki and I almost went as well, but just in the nick of time Dave showed up, who icidentally had been working at the Austin City Limits festival which is going on this weekend down at Zilker Park, Anyway I digress, lol, I tend to do that a lot. Dave shows up, he's tired, been on his feet all day and doesn't want to go far, the suggestion is made if were going to drink and we don't want to go far, we go to Cain & Abel's which is conveniently located practically right across 24th Street. Timbo, Dave and I went, I think Nicki was a little tired so she went to bed early, I'm not sure. But the three of us shared several pitchers of their finest Budweiser and the night was good, The people were good, the conversation was excellent and the view, ah I love the view of Austin at night, almost as much as I love the view of Austin in the daylight.

Anyway I am wide awake now, I have been since about 10:30ish, but I didn't go to bed till about 4:40ish to 5:00ish and I'm just saying hello and goodmorning to you. I enjoyed last night, even through the haze walking home, it was close and I and mi compadres for the night made it home safe and well. We should do it again some time, just not too soon, lol.

I'm glad to report that I have no hangover and am able to function as if I never drank last night. Normally I don't drink like that, but a good friend of mine was in town and needed to blow off a little proverbial steam, not really of course, life is interesting sometimes, I won't bore you with the details since if you're reading this you already know that it is, I hope your day is going well, I'm going to clean up and attempt to enjoy mine, Have a great one!
later,
Hugh

Happy Second Birthday to the Friday Five!

Answer the following five questions in your weblog or journal. Make sure you leave a comment here with a link to your post (or just leave your answers in the comments section).

1. Who is your favorite singer/musician? Why?
- Honestly, I don't think I have one, there are several that get me grooving and moving, but I don't have a favorite
2. What one singer/musician can you not stand? Why?
- For the same reason as the first, my musical tastes are so diverse as to be perverse in the fact that there isn't anyone I don't like...almost anyone that is.
3. If your favorite singer wasn't in the music business, do you think you would still like him/her as a person?
- sure, since I don't really have one, I'd like to think that whoever it might be, that we could be friends
4. Have you been to any concerts? If yes, who put on the best show?
- Hell yeah I've been to concerts, I can't even begin to remember the shows I've been too
5. What are your thoughts on downloading free music online vs. purchasing albums? Do you feel the RIAA is right in its pursuit to stop people from dowloading free music? - Music should be free to download, people have been doing essentially the same thing with reel to reel tapes, 8 tracks, VHS, Cassettes, CD's, DVD's, now they're using MP3's and a larger network of friends and associates to do it with. The RIAA is just another form of censorship and we all know that censorship sucks. Free the music!! this isn't frickin Nazi Germany...we thrive on freedom of expression and freedom of speech, if this keeps going one day we'll all be wearing the same clothes, reading the same books, listening to the same propaganda and we'll just be automatons going through the motions and that makes me sick... what are your thoughts?

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." -Henry David Thoreau, Walden

I tend to march to the beat of my own drum a steady staccato rythm which has brought me this far in life. Some would say that at a time in my past my beat was over run by the beat of others and I in turn succumbed to the patterns they laid for me. I will admit that at times this was true, but I have broken free, like I always do and have learned this pattern anew. I can only say that most of my life has been lived for others, I was thinking earlier tonight and I figured out that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm 26 years old. I've been intermittently going to College since 1997 and I think I've changed majors about 4 times and colleges about the same. I've blamed my halting academic progress solely on the U.S. Military, specifically the Army of which I am a small and very minor part of. I know this is crap, to place all the blame on a single entity. I've just been covering up for my own procrastinating self. Well no longer, I freely admit that I have a problem and I'm going to attempt to solve it, I will be taking some steps to restructure my way of viewing things.

"In words as fashions the same rule will hold, Alike fantastic if too new or old: Be not the first by whome the new are tried, Nor yet the last to lay the old aside." -Alexander Pope, Essay On Criticism, An

I'm two parts of a kind, on the one part there's the old fashioned me. I love to write and open doors, enjoy nature and the like. Whereas the other part of me is very new, it's controlled by my wants and desires, my repressions from my youth are manifested in my need to go crazy sometimes. to just get out there and live life and that sometimes comes through in my writing. I always have a camera, a pen and something to write on with me. so that I can attempt to record what's going on for some kind of posteritys sake. or at least when I get older I can look back and go, "Wow, I did that..." you know what I mean, but I hold tight to my past, I can't help it. it's what helped make me who I am and there's nothing wrong with that. I've got time to live my life.


"I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost, Road Not Taken, The

I have taken a different path than most in my life, but I don't think there is just one path in the woods, I think there are many paths and at each junction you make a choice, sometimes your path crosses anothers and it can be good, Then you'll have someone to talk to as you walk along, hopefully they'll stay with you for a long time. but sometimes they themselves come to a crossroads and must make a decision and it takes them away from you. Some day your paths may again cross, they may not, the thing is you should be happy about having them in your life for that brief period of time and not regret what might have been. Life is beautiful as my friend Haitham likes to say.


"The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep And miles to go before I sleep." -Robert Frost, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

well for tonight, I think I'll be stopping to rest here soon. but the journey, though not always good, has been good for the last few days, I did walk through some dark woods that were not so lovely and deep, but here and now, the branches are high and arching, the moonlight filters through the spread limbs and leaves rustling in the wind. The air is cool with the hint of winter, I think it might rain later tonight or early in the morning. I should seek shelter and bed down for the night...

Tonight live at MoMo's it will be good friends and myself, plus a band that my friend nicki seems to enjoy, DamesViolet, you're all invited, Though I do realize that tonight will be a very late night for all who attend.

Today was a good day,I took my friend nicki to work and back, hung out at Barton Springs for a bit talking, went and bought the text book I needed for my gov't class, contacted the veterans office, located paperwork, continued work on my apt with the new bins, cleaned my apt. fielded several prospective phone calls for new tenants. I didn't get to go see about the job offer. so far today has been a good day. I'm in class till 10:00 p.m. and will be heading to MoMo's almost immediately after so my phone will be off for awhile tonight, call me later to let me know how things are going!

midnight madness at Wal-mart, I am so there!

It's 2:42 a.m. and I've been back for just a little while from Wal-Mart. I've got several new bins and while I was there I picked up some groceries, man Wal-Mart has everything, well almost everything, they didn't have the bins I wanted in the color I wanted, they had the lids, but no bins. Then they made me wander around the store looking for them. Oh well I did buy some bins in a different color, I'm dealing with that now as I contemplate future organization. Several friends accompanied me, they had a need for something or other and mission was accomplished with massive ease. I even took the opportunity to stock up on provisions while I was there, that's right I've got food for weeks practically. It may not be the healthiest of foods, but it's edible.

While at Wal-Mart I got a call from someone very close to my heart, it seems she's not been feeling well for awhile and this concerns me. I know she hasn't been eating and this also worries me... I care for her more than I think she knows and it hurts me to see her in pain. I know she's going through a lot right now and I wish I could be there for her. It's just so hard being far away from everyone you love. It's odd, but I too haven't been feeling well, I haven't been able to sleep or really eat, I don't know or understand, perhaps we have a connection or something. But then again a lot of people have been getting sick lately. It might be the close proximity of college students. I'm not sure. I think I need to take a shower and then down some Tylenol or something.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. lots of plans have been made, there is a college Bookstore hiring right around the corner for a full-time position. I'm probably jinxing myself by posting this here and I've probably waited too long to apply, but I'm going to try anyway. I also need to make my way toAustin Community College and speak with the advising office and apply with the veterans office for benefits again, apparantly ACC is notorious for losing paperwork. It's crazy I tell ya, crazy. Now that I have a little bit of cash I need to decide if I'm going to take another class and I need to buy my own TX Gov't Text book so nicki can have her's back and concentrate on reading it, we have a test Thursday, the first one and it's an important one. I need to get on the ball and find myself a job. There is still Dave's offer of driving limo's but it's not something I want to do. I just don't feel it in me and I've got this mental block of 'vehicular narcolepsy' to deal with. I know I'm just making excuses, procrastination is hereditary isn't it? maybe just a learned response. hmmm... it's worth pondering...later...

Anyway, I'm attempting to complete my organization, I just realized that it's 2:59 almost 3:00 a.m. and I forgot the coffee filters. Today, should be a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I hope everyone who's not feeling well feels better soon, Goodnight, sweet dreams and Good morning... welcome to a new day.

i don't know
but someday i will
and so will you...

if tomorrow never comes, i would want just one thing, i would sell it to the stars and sun, i would write it for the world to see, and it's you, the light changes when you're in the room, oh it's you. you know it's you.

I feel like raging once again, I have words to say I have a warning to share with you all and here I go.

If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all who claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think everything you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex or if you're not into that then meet a member of the same sex, I don't care about your sexual orientations. Stop the excessive shopping for crap you want but don't need. Stop the excessive masturbation, The hiding away in your room with your magazines, old video tapes and your internet porn. Stop lusting after that media icon pop rock rap hip to the hop whatever the fuck so called star and find someone real to fill your world with beauty. Quit your soul stealing life sucking job, you know the one where you go through the same motions day after day. Start a frickin fight with someone. go skydiving, play in traffic, talk to strangers... Prove to yourself and noone else that you are alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned... now get the hell out of here... why are you still reading this? weren't you listening? claim your individuality, rage against the dying of your personal light...

People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life.... I think that what we're really seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonance within our innermost being and reality, so that we can actually feel the rapture of being alive. -- Joseph Campbell

"Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought." -- Basho

I don't care if you know what I'm talking about or even understand what I'm trying to get out, these words needed to be said, I'm not a prophet, this isn't the truth you should follow your life by, in fact if you've even read this then it shows how much your still in the system. I know this sounds harsh and abrupt and I can't blame it all on the caffeine, but you know that your life can't be lived to the fullest extent if you cage yourself in a box of social conventions, of rules and regulations. that's not living, animals don't thrive or most often survive in captivity, what do you think it does to Humans who are only a few evolutionary steps away from being animals ourselves... I'm not enlightened, I'm not self-aware, I'm still a slave in the great cog of the machine that is Humanity and no this isn't some matrix/fight club bullshit, but it might have some foundation, you shouldn't live your life according to popular mass media culture... Augh!! I'm going crazy if I'm not already far, far gone... and people say I look so normal...

Now if you've heard me, then good, if you haven't read it again or forget I've ever existed and continue with your lives as they are!!!
I am so gone...

Storms have rolled in over the Austin area and brought with them a crazy cold front, the temperature here has dropped crazy fast. wear your coats kiddo's Winter is coming. Yesterday was cool, hung out with some friends, helped rachael with her art project, went to Thai Noodle house for some great chow, I highly reccomend either C4 or C5 on the menu, it was clear, bright and the sun was shining. Wandered down to Spiderhouse for some tea and conversation, hung out with Rachael, Becca and Emily who all invited me to stay for dinner, but unfortunately I had plans to hang with my buddy Dave and needed to go or I would have stayed. Upon my arrival back to El Rio I spoke with Dave, when Parks and Sang Kyu mentioned they had downloaded S.W.A.T. the movie, so we ordered pizza, Pappa Johns stiffed me on one of my pizzas, I got a cheese pizza instead of the sausage I ordered. got some drinks and proceeded to have a guys night in, while the rest of Austin didn't celebrate UT's loss, regardless of the fact that parties abounded up and down the street, especially with the Frat house right across the street. It was funny watching all the lost Freshman trying to figure out where to go and where they were. Yesterday was a good day, spent with good friends. I wish my friends from Houston and all over could be in one place just to hang out, but alas we all go our separate ways in time. Though we still try to keep in contact, Time and busy lives are our enemies in this endeavor. I'm not going to dwell on this cause I'm having a good day, the storm has blown past like crazy and I have cheese pizza reheating... ah the college life... enjoy your days my friends.

An afternoon posting on Friday and so it begins...

Last night I went with my friend nicki to see the band, Damesviolet, that she's goofy over the singer about, anyway, that's where we went last night, but when we got there the band wasn't playing we couldn't understand why, Nicki found out this morning that their shows there had been canceled, too bad for them. We stayed anyway since we had already paid cover. I got to play chaperone and designated driver, I love being the voice of reason, we went with a couple of other people, everyone, but me drank a little too much and the storms rolled in to send some crazy lightning. I just stood back and watched the lightning, while they proceeded to get a little bit more than trashed. driving back was a little scary, we took one of our friends cars and I haven't driven in awhile and not that kind of car it was low and fast. I didn't have to force it to go like I do my truck. Then there was the storm to deal with, it's a good thing this is a little/big town and we didn't have to go far.

Everything with me is getting better, I can see the end to these stormy days and the light leading the way for me, just knowing that I have friends as special as you all are in my life makes me happier. I honestly care about you all and am happy to have such loving and trusting people in my life. not too mention the fact that y'all are cool to hang with as well.

I know others of you have offered to help me out and I was so surprised, I don't know if that's the right word to use, but I didn't want to put money between us and I know that might be a dumb way of saying things, but I don't want to put my friends in a financial burden, I know you would have freely given all you could have and that makes me smile, because if you needed it I would do the same for you. I know that y'all are here for me and I want you to know that I'm here for you if and when you need me, 24/7/365 rain or shine.

For those of you in school: How do you think you're doing? my courses are interesting, you've read about what's going there previously so I don't need to go into it anymore, I know I have a test in government next thursday and a paper due in a couple of weeks, I also have several extra-credit papers to do for my physical geography class, we've move on from topographic maps through plate-techtonics, past volcanoes and earthquakes and are now into the various types of rock themselves. it's all very interesting to me.

I won't be able to get to Houston this weekend unfortunately at least not right now anyway, I'm budgeting my finances, but I plan to do something next weekend, what are your plans? I could leave after my class on Thursday night or early Friday morning. just let me know and we can work something out. I need to go get some groceries and wash some dishes, then go do laundry. woo hoo big friday night plans eh? haha. seriously I am doing better, I wasn't before, but I am now. things are looking good for me. I hope they are looking good for you as well.

Now it's time for the Friday Five!

1. Is the name you have now the same name that's on your birth certificate? If not, what's changed?
- Yes, I'm still officially who I am, officially...
2. If you could change your name (first, middle and/or last), what would it be?
- I like my middle name, Hudson, because it sounds cool and it's easier to pronounce than Hugh is for some, but everyone knows me as Hugh and that's fine by me.
3. Why were you named what you were? (Is there a story behind it? Who specifically was responsible for naming you?)
- I was named after my Grandfather, it's a family name and there is a great story associated with it. I just hope I can live up to the legacy. My parents, I believe my Dad may have had a hand in it and quite possibly my Mom...who knows...
4. Are there any names you really hate or love? What are they and why?
- no, not really, a names just a name, merely a label on the package, it's what's inside that counts.
5. Is the analysis of your name at kabalarians.com / triggur.org / astroexpert accurate? How or how isn't it?
- This last one took a bit of work, I'd like to think that the first one showed a more realistic insight into me, but others would really have to have some say about this, As for the other two, the second one showed an entirely negative view of my name and who I appear to be, whereas the third one was just plain weird and I didn't understand it at all.

oh and try these sites out for some funny, crazy or just plain interesting stuff, enjoy!

1)http://www.pistolstardesign.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/links.htm
2) http://www.weebl.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
3) AccuRadio
4) Hackles
5) Dilbert
6) Japanese stuff
7) Ifilm - a great movie site

I know it's late, but I can't sleep for some reason. Everything is a little crazy still, but I'm dealing with it. I keep wondering how everyone is doing. I miss my friends and family and wonder how you're really doing, I don't think I'm getting the full story and I wonder sometimes. Okay more than sometimes. but I realize that I need to live my life for myself and not for others, but I care for others so much that they are a part of my life.

I haven't been able to get a sticker for the truck because I didn't have any cash, but don't worry, I've got some now ( Thank you Haitham and Zach, y'all are truly great friends, I didn't ask, but you gave freely, Thank you my brothers I don't know how I'll be able to repay you. ) and will be doing that tomorrow. I have the truck off the street parked in our driveway here at the building. So don't worry about it being ticketed. I haven't even needed to drive it anywhere. I will bring it back to Houston as soon as possible. Perhaps this weekend even. I've just got to see how things are money wise. I get paid again close to the 15th so I should be good. I might even be able to turn my phone on again soon.

It's raining like crazy here now, there's water everywhere and several large tree limbs in the road, I'm glad I don't have to go far to get to school. Classes are going ok, though my government professor is a little crazy I'm dealing with it. I don't like the classroom environment because it's a government class being held in a computer lab, apparantly they couldn't get any other room. so I have to balance my books on my lap. it's annoying to say the least. My physical geography course is going well, I'm having a great time in it, the teacher teaches well and he's passionate about his work, so it's a very cool thing for me.

I need to buy a book for my government class, I'm sharing right now with my friend nicki who lives here as well, but I've only got a bit of cash so I'm budgeting my self, I'm glad I've got friends here in the building or all I'd be eating is ramen noodles and peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. not that there's anything wrong with ramen, it's just that over and over it could be a bad thing.

It's really late right now, almost 2:00 a.m. the weather's turner colder here, the leaves have already begun fallin, I'm not sure if that's due to the cold front or the changing of the seasons. I'm a little tired, my sleeping patterns haven't been regular and I haven't worked out, nor have I really been eating, I think I just have a lot on my mind.

This job at the apartment complex doesn't pay and it can be stressful enough sometimes. since I don't have a real paying job I'm here at the apartments a lot and the tenants keep coming to me with their problems, that's what I'm here for, but some of them have some crazy things going on with their lives they just need someone to talk to about and I'm glad they can either trust me or feel comfortable with me enough to talk to me about them. I may be getting a job soon, my friend Dave wants me to drive limos with him, but I'm not sure due to my history of vehicular narcolepsy and the fact that the weather is turning rainy and cold.

Please keep me posted on how things are going, I was really sorry to hear about my brother's Dachtsun 'troubles' dying I didn't really know him well nor did I help care for him, but I hope that 'dipper' his other dachtsun will be better cared for.

Do y'all need anything from me? I don't have much to offer if anything, but I'll try to help out as best I can. let me know how you're doing okay? I'm getting more than a little tired, I think I'm going to get some sleep. you can call me at the office sometime, I'm here and I can check the messages.

I love you all very much.
-Hugh
512-477-5941 - office # w/ answering machine
AOL IM: HughHudson3

My good friend mike from Houston sent me this, he too is a great friend and person. Thank you mike for sharing this with me. I honestly had forgotten what day it was, till I saw something that reminded me and I was like whoa. It was an interesting reality check, one that brought me some global awareness. Anyway this is for y'all. a little late, but enjoy.

http://www.thincgrafx.com/movie.html

I tried to post earlier, but alas it didn't go through. If you're wondering how I am and by the responses I've been getting I think you are. well I'm all mixed up inside and I don't think it's just the cold or whatever it is I've caught.

Things in life have been a bit off for about a week now, maybe not so long as that. but I see a silver lining in the cloud. that's about all I'm going to dwell on that for now.

I had class tonight and I must mention that there was a girl in it that used to live in Spring and hung out at Starbucks, we kind of knew each other, but not really. Anyway she doesn't have the best of reputations and in my book it's getting worse. We'll begin by going back to that first day of class. upon entering the room and noticing her freakish waving and shouting I got the distinct feeling that I should walk out and drop the course, I almost told the professor this right there... it almost came out, " I'm sorry, but I can't take your class with that girl in here," but unfortunately I decided to stay... Samantha proceeded to sit next to me and make a nuisance of herself in class and afterwards she followed me out and made small talk, then to my sickening shock she leaned over and kissed me, and I almost vomited, I saw the bus coming and made an excuse and got the hell out of there. Each successive class she's sat beside me, she leans her self back in her chair and tries to touch me, her hair brushes my shoulder and all I can do is cringe. I don't like this situation at all. The professor isn't much better, she sucks at teaching and thinks everyone has a self-esteem problem.

However, my Physical Geography class is great, I'm having so much fun in there it's insane. It reminds me of when I was younger. I was such a rock-hound and I thouroughly enjoyed the earth sciences, especially in the scouts, getting out into nature. I've done the office job and I hate sitting behind a desk. It makes me wonder if what I'm going to school for is the right thing? I have time to figure it out though. perhaps I'll work it into the plan and perhaps not... I have time.

The weekends coming up and I'll still be here in Austin again. I know it's only Tuesday night, but I've got to make plans early. Speaking of time and early, it's a bit late and I haven't eaten, I'm ending this now. send me a message sometime to let me know how things are with you. Goodnight!

This post is posting anew to you from me. wondering what's going on in my head? so am I? so am I? This past weekend was both great and terrible. I want so very much to talk to people who are close to me in my life, I have things that need to be said and things that can never be said. I'm spiralling down, but smiling on the outside. this is me in my terminal journey...

I've grown up living my life for others and when I try to do something for myself, to make myself happy I wind up screwing everything up. my mind is aflame and my gut is like a storm tossed ocean, not everything is beautiful in Hugh Land. I am wracked by mixed emotions. Of hunger and loss, Of Happiness and Sadness. I love being where I'm at, but I want so much to go back and to head into the future. I hate being alone and yet I'm so not alone it's not funny. I want for things to be simple, but they never are. I want to be strong for you, but I'm so weak I can't even begin to describe my frailties. I want to be the hero in your life, I want to be conquered. I need to express what I'm feeling inside, but only these words come forth to attempt to explain, but they don't.

I don't know what's going on in my head, I think I'm sick, but I don't know... I feel like crap, I can't sleep, the sleep I do get is a tossed and turning mess, I barely eat, what I do eat if it's not made by someone else is deplorable. it's not a recent thing. it's been an ongoing thing. I don't think it's separation anxiety, or this transition mess. I'm trying to get my life in order, but life doesn't like to be ordered. so I live in this my personal chaos...

what to do, what to do. I feel a little lost, a little out of control, a little self-destructive and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. They tell me the first step is admitting I have a problem, but I don't know if that would help, I'm doing this now, in sending a message to you through this and I'm wondering if you're listening, if you're really listening? Do you hear what I'm truely saying? I don't know if you do or not. I'm deaf to your response... forgive me for my transgressions against you my friends.

what do I really want? do I want your love? your forgiveness? your adoration? no, I don't think so. I'm not sure I know what I want, maybe I just want to be happy again, to be ignorantly happy again, like the rest of the Human populace, but once a person acquires knowledge, learns something new, they can never go back and this is my downfall, my personal Garden of Eden that I am now thrust out of and off into the wide world to make my way stumbling, haltingly through life.

Don't worry people everything will be okay, I'm just a blue man of the moment. sad for now, but soon, hopefully things will fall into place, order will be replaced and I'll go on an automaton in this great human race to the end of all existence. life is beautiful and so are you. have a great day all, thanks for listening...

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Zang! Who is that, running through the tarmac! It is Hugh, hands clutching a mighty sword! He screams apocalyptically: "I'm going to pulverize you in such an unsafe manner, you will polymorph into a giant scorpion!!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

This morning I read this on my friend, Leslies, profile on aim, and I thought I'd share it with you. I am not a religious person having had some not so good experiences with it in the past, I'm on a journey, like we all are to find ourselves...

It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is still hot. The sky is still black. the world is still asleep. The day is coming. In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by the decisions to be made and the deadlines to be met. For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose. I choose love... No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness... I choose joy... I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance... I choose peace... I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live... -Max Lucado

I'm a big fan of qoutes, I know I've mentioned this before, but it's worth mentioning again. Today was great, the sun was out and shining despite the late night I had last night sitting up talking with my friends, trading stories and learning more about each other in the process. It was a good evening. This morning I was once again awoken by my good friend nicki who needed a ride to work at Barton Springs. Took her there ran into her boss and talked for a bit, came back here tried to sleep couldn't, called nicki up and a couple of us took her lunch from Schlotzlkys' Deli over on 21st and Guadalupe, we hung out at Barton Springs checking out all the freaks and geeks, the locals, the tourists and the foreigners... it was all very interesting. later on we once again wound up on Guadalupe checking out the stores and shops or whatever. hit this cool little joint called ToyJoy. nice place lots of cool toys. then it was time to pick up nicki from work, we shared some snowcones and hung out watching the divers/swimmers making fools of themselves and we decided to work out there conversations with a little bit of our own ingenuity and words. while we were there we saw some naked people, some dude smoking weed, a group of Belgians, some crazy Asian lady who was yelling at her kids, got my hand stamped by the guards and generally it was a good day and now that I've had a lack of sleep I will be snoozing off real soon for an afternoon nap. I hope your day is as interesting as mine is. Have a great one all!!

my phone has died on me, if you need to get ahold of me please call 512-477-5941 this is my office number, I am working to get my phone restored soon... Thank you for your patience.

For you, you know who you are. everything will be all right. I'm here for you if you need me.

"The fearless are merely fearless. People who act in spite of their fear are truly brave." -James A. LaFond-Lewis, November 11, 1999

"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace." -Amelia Earhart

"He who does not have the courage to speak up for his rights cannot earn the respect of others." -René G. Torres

Goodmorning America, how are you? I woke up to someone banging on my window, it was my friend Nicki, and the painter's arrived here at the building. I've been driving all over town this morning, nicki's a punk for going to starbucks and not getting caffeine for the rest of us here, then she made me drive her to Barton just so she could not go to work today I went along to Barton Springs for a morning swim and they were closed for cleaning! I've had no caffeine and I'm a little hungry... hmm.. breakfast seems to be in order.

Ladies and Gentleman, My Fellow Americans I am writing to today to state that today is a beautiful day! It's nice and cool outside, not too hot, not too cold, it's nice. The Sun is shining the birds are singing, the cool waters flow and you are in my life. You know who you are.

Tonight we have Shakespeare in the park on the menu, a bunch of us are going, then it's off to see DamesViolet, some band a friend of mine is all nuts over, playing at Sam's Boat here. For the afternoon, I think I'm going to walk the streets of my beloved Austin.

I'm off to make lunch now, so have a great day all!!

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/quiz/images/wolverine.jpg
To link it (the actual code):

I think I'm mildly sprained, but nothing that can't be mended with a little duck tape and TLC, meanwhile I'm looking for a dare to be great situation. Something a little more than insane but withing reason. I'm so busting at the seams it's crazy. The pressure's intense and I just want to hit the trails or rage against the global machine.

Today is starting out well, it's nice and cool out, I got a phone call that was a little alarming, but hopefully things will get better soon. I took Nicki to work at Barton Springs and drove back through the madness that is the UT-Austin Student population. I'm continuing to work on my apartment here at El Rio and I'm happy to report that it's coming along quite nicely. As soon as I'm done I'll take and post pics. I've been hanging out with my buddy dave lately and we're working on getting some things together for a network. I have class tonight, it's my long one from 5:00 p.m. till about 10:00 p.m. then I'll be back here to study some more and then whatever. I know it's getting late, but I need to get some grub.

Bill & Alan ex-Suspect want to start a new band...
http://billgrady.com/band/


Grosse Pointe Blank


What John Cusack Movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

In other news my friend Ann has finished her Album, you can find out more by clicking here!

"There is no spoon." --Little Bald Kid from The Matrix

WHO TOLD?!?!


How evil are you?

"It is not in the stars to follow our destiny but in ourselves." --William Shakespeare