This post is posting anew to you from me. wondering what's going on in my head? so am I? so am I? This past weekend was both great and terrible. I want so very much to talk to people who are close to me in my life, I have things that need to be said and things that can never be said. I'm spiralling down, but smiling on the outside. this is me in my terminal journey...
I've grown up living my life for others and when I try to do something for myself, to make myself happy I wind up screwing everything up. my mind is aflame and my gut is like a storm tossed ocean, not everything is beautiful in Hugh Land. I am wracked by mixed emotions. Of hunger and loss, Of Happiness and Sadness. I love being where I'm at, but I want so much to go back and to head into the future. I hate being alone and yet I'm so not alone it's not funny. I want for things to be simple, but they never are. I want to be strong for you, but I'm so weak I can't even begin to describe my frailties. I want to be the hero in your life, I want to be conquered. I need to express what I'm feeling inside, but only these words come forth to attempt to explain, but they don't.
I don't know what's going on in my head, I think I'm sick, but I don't know... I feel like crap, I can't sleep, the sleep I do get is a tossed and turning mess, I barely eat, what I do eat if it's not made by someone else is deplorable. it's not a recent thing. it's been an ongoing thing. I don't think it's separation anxiety, or this transition mess. I'm trying to get my life in order, but life doesn't like to be ordered. so I live in this my personal chaos...
what to do, what to do. I feel a little lost, a little out of control, a little self-destructive and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. They tell me the first step is admitting I have a problem, but I don't know if that would help, I'm doing this now, in sending a message to you through this and I'm wondering if you're listening, if you're really listening? Do you hear what I'm truely saying? I don't know if you do or not. I'm deaf to your response... forgive me for my transgressions against you my friends.
what do I really want? do I want your love? your forgiveness? your adoration? no, I don't think so. I'm not sure I know what I want, maybe I just want to be happy again, to be ignorantly happy again, like the rest of the Human populace, but once a person acquires knowledge, learns something new, they can never go back and this is my downfall, my personal Garden of Eden that I am now thrust out of and off into the wide world to make my way stumbling, haltingly through life.
Don't worry people everything will be okay, I'm just a blue man of the moment. sad for now, but soon, hopefully things will fall into place, order will be replaced and I'll go on an automaton in this great human race to the end of all existence. life is beautiful and so are you. have a great day all, thanks for listening...
No comments:
Post a Comment