"Where talent is a dwarf, self-esteem is a giant." -J. Petit-Senn, Conceits and Caprices
"The soul that is within me no man can degrade." -Frederick Douglas

I love qoutes, I think I've mentioned that enough in the past and these two exemplify something that I've been trying to express lately. Internal Strength is one that I seek to possess, Oh I know I have it in some small measure, but I know that at times I am so weak, so WEAK as to almost fall to my knees from the pressure's of life, but I don't quit, like the train from my childhood I keep driving forward despite the obstacles set against me. And I see my friends right along side me, they are on different tracks, sometimes ours cross, but they are moving forward on their own steam and I can see that some are ahead, a few others slightly behind, sometimes they are so close I can touch their inner engines, despite where they are on the great track of life, they are moving forward and I want so much to toss out some chains to help pull them along or push them forward. I sometimes annoy my friends with my seeking to help, but it's okay in the end we'll all succeed.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." -Helen Keller

Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written. I am by no means an author, but I have written in some small measure, but the things, the words and ideas that I have never put pen to paper with are exponential, there are things that are too personal, too emotional, too frightening, too hard to put words to and if I were to put them on paper the world would change, not the whole world, but my world such as it is. I thrive on self-conflict, an inner turmoil drives my writing and at times when I am truly happy I find that I cannot write. These past few weeks have been such a time in my life. I am unable to write, not here, but as creatively as I have in the past. I find it hard to put pen to paper and I wonder if I am seeking conflict, to create turmoil in my life so that I can have something to fuel my need to write?

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have faced adversity in my life, maybe not the same as you have faced, nor too an extent you may have faced, but I have faced adversity. From the sudden violent forms to the slow painstakingly time consuming adversity which tears at you in bits and pieces. I have stood firm, I have wavered and I have run. I have done all things in the face of adversity, because some things just can't be faced, while other's are too easy to face.

This weekend my good friend Timbo came into town to visit nicki and myself, I unfortunately didn't have anything planned nor have I been out enough in Austin to really know what to show. So we muddled our way around the local sites, but I think he had an okay time. we did what he had come to Austin for and that was to forget for awhile. hopefully life will be better for him soon. I myself attempted a few phone calls to people in my life. I was able to get through to several people I've been wanting to speak with while others weren't available, but that's understandable, each of us have our own lives to live. I was able to speak with my Dad and family back in Houston and everyone's doing well, or at least that's what they tell me. I honestly don't know what to believe from them anymore. I constantly wonder how they're doing. it drives me crazy thinking about it and I think I transfer that stress into my conversations here at El Rio.

I don't know if I should mention it or not, but a few days ago we were sitting around the office and discussing relationships, past and present, everyone was participating and I shared the one of part of why I moved to Austin, Yes part of the reason I first moved here was because of a girl, I really liked this girl and at the time she was everything engaging to me, Smart, funny, educated, Interesting... all types of positive adjectives. So I was out of work in Houston and couldn't get a job, the market was flooded with people seeking work. I had an offer for a job here in Austin and her offer of a place to live. I moved in with her, things changed between us and I had to move out, that's about all I'm going to go into that on here. and that's how I ended up finding El Rio, I don't know why or how, but this place was what I needed, there is something poetic about a river calling to me, to provide relief to my pain in the cool blue waters, to let the emotions flow away downstream, yes something poetic... but I digress, the other night, I received an unexpected phone call, it was her, she hadn't seen me at the starbucks in Spring, where I normally always am, I told her that I had moved back to Austin and was going to school, working and living my life. When I started asking her questions about how things were with her, she suddenly had to go and that's where our conversation ended. I don't know what to think, the last I knew she didn't ever want to speak to me again. I would like a friendship with her, we were good friends before. But I don't know. I tried to make a few phone calls after that to try to talk it over with some people, but I couldn't get ahold of anyone. Hopefully they'll read this and call me. but I've been in a bit of a funk since then, since she is now brought to the forefront of my mind...

So what do I do next? I ask you this...

"Draw a crazy picture, Write a nutty poem, Sing a mumble-gumble song, Whistle through your comb. Do a loony-goony dance, 'Cross the kitchen floor, Put something silly in the world That ain't been there before." -Shel Silverstein

I think I'll do that in the morning... goodnight all