I went home to Spring this past weekend and it was such a drain, I did get to see my family again, they lied to me again, I don't know what's going on with them and I don't think I ever truly will. I need some form of truth in my life, some semblance of reality. I worry so much about them, they tried to put on a brave face for me, but I know that there is something wrong, terribly wrong and they won't tell me about it...

I didn't get to see my sister, she had to move again, it makes me worry for her children, those bright shining creations, I worry for their future with no sense of stability or a true sense of family, when they're being shuffled around so much. I worry for their futures. I want so much for them, but I can't even begin to provide for them, when I can't even begin to provide for myself...

My friend Jason is once again in the Hospital, Leslie says he's just in for tests, but you don't continuosly go to the hospital for tests and there not be something wrong, I think of them and I hope for the best for him. They make each other so happy...

My other friend, Drew, the one who was in the wreck still isn't seeing anyone, He's one of the main reasons I went to Spring, but I called around and he wasn't available to see anybody or he didn't want anyone to see him and that worries me. That he might not be able to accept what has happened, I know it's something life altering and that it will take time, but to be able to accept what has happened would be a great step for him. I got a couple of cards for him and tried to express my sympathies, but they all said something about, " hoping to see you back on your feet soon, or something like that" and what do you say? how can you express in words your knowledge that you know he may never walk again? You can't it's almost impossible, so I tried my best, but nothing would come, I simply wrote a few lines and passed it on, hopefully, it will get to him and he'll understand, I don't know. I couldn't say what I wanted to say and I'm usually good with words...

Then something happened this weekend when I was talking with a good friend of mine, She's going through a rough time in her life and it's all crashing down around her. she's going to have to make some huge decisions, life changing courses of action and she needed a friend to talk to and I tried to be there for her.

I don't know how to express what's going on inside my head, everythings a whirlwind.

I did get to see my good friends, Haitham, Candace, Clay, Nicole & her brother, Mike, David, Michelle, Jennifer. I also saw a good friend of mine's Mom while at Starbucks, Sean is on Active Duty with the Marines in Washington and I got to meet his fiance' so that was cool.I was able to speak with other's over the phone, Timbo, Jean, Sir Zach and Crystal. Not everyone could hang out, they all had previous plans, but it was good to hear their voices and to see them. My good friend Haitham's Birthday is in a few days, Happy Birthday Brother! He'll soon be leaving for Puerto Rico soon, You will be missed my friend.

I spent the weekend mostly at my parents, they were having a garage sale and needed help around the house, my Dad doesn't move as fast as he used to and he says he's going to need more surgery as the surgery he's had didn't help at all. My mother and father's relationship is an odd one and I won't even go into it here, it's just all so messed up. I was able to see my brother and talk with him for a bit, that was good, but he's stagnant in his life. It's like he doesn't have any ambition, he's found his place, where he fits and he's going to stay there... I worry so much for their futures as well, especially his. what's he going to do when my parents are gone? they won't be around forever... what's going to happen, I worry so much about the future that at sometimes I can't focus on the present...

I need a sign that this emptiness inside isn't so blank and spacious, I need a sign to know that I'm alive...I need to feel again, to wish again to be able to dream again... I want so much to make other's happy I forget about myself. what is there to do when you have nothing left to sing about? I want so much for my phone to ring right now, I'm waiting for a call an email an instant message I don't care where it comes from I just need to know...