Life is odd sometimes, just when you seem to think you're moving forward you're blind sided on some idle Wednesday afternoon. This is what happened to me and the days that followed only served to get worse by the moment.

1) I recieved a letter from the Army that I may be involuntarily separated due to Army physical fitness failure, I had an opportunity to pass again and I failed. Was it due to stress? A resignation to my fate? Or was I simply not prepared for it?

2) I came into Houston that following weekend, tired, a little stressed from the letter and lack of sleep. I came in and the first thing my father tells me when I walk through the door was that my Grandfather had died and no one knew when or how. Also my Grandmother who has alzheimers is missing. No one knows where she is or even if she's okay. And apparrantly there are strangers living in my Grandparents house. the thing is that my Grandfather passed away in October of 2004 and nobody knew, no one talked about it, no one mentioned it and I daresay that he didn't get the funeral that he deserved. I don't know what to do, how to feel. I can't seem to cry and I feel so detached from it all.

3) I came back from Houston reluctantly with these weights upon my shoulders, with doubts in my mind and questions always questions, I figured if I threw myself into work that I could forget, but I cannot, will not forget and I think about it all the time, especially late at night when I can't sleep and the thoughts of the world weigh upon my mind.

4) I went in to work on Tuesday of the following week only to find out that someone had called in to the center and complained about me and some other people they had played against on xbox live, I work as a Tech Support agent for xbox live and so do many of my friends on live and some of them like to throw their weight around and threaten to voice ban or ban players for cheating or other offenses on the xbox live system, which we have rights to do. So since someone complained and used my gamertag or username on xbox live they tied me and other gamers/tech support agents to the account, but couldn't tell which of us did what. So they gave us all "Final Warnings" and told us that we could have lost our jobs for what had occurred.

5) there are other things going on in my life, I'll be 28 in June, can you believe that? There are so many things I want to do with my life and yet I feel like I'm not doing any of them and it's all just passing me by. It's frustrating and I know I sound like a broken record on here, but it's the truth.

6) I'm still single and yes there are women in my life that I would love to pursue a relationship with it just seems that at times things don't work out, or I'm too far removed from being able to connect with someone. Why is this? I have the capacity to love, to cherish a woman in my arms, to talk with her at length about life liberty and the pursuit of happiness or whatever. Why can't I be happy, why can't someone love me as easily as I love them?

7) I want to be in school again, I have the will, the intelligence, but it seems like my GI BILL paperwork from the Army is always messed up and I don't have the greatest love for paperwork in the first place. I just need to grab the bull by the horns and get into work.

I know I talk a lot of fluff at times and I have all these wishes, hopes and dreams for my life and hopefully for sharing that life with someone who cares about me as much as I care about her. I'm just overwhelmed a lot, it seems like I'm drowning, yet every now and then I can find a calm spot in the storm and rest for a bit and then the next big wave hits you and you go under again. I need to get some sleep, I have a long day tomorrow. Thanks for listening, Goodnight all

Here's how to commit seppuku (with a frisbee) according to www.realultimatepower.net

Seppuku is the ancient art of killing yourself if you get super pissed and can’t find anybody else to kill. Ninjas use all sorts of crap to kill themselves—guns, ropes, knives, lasers, spears, etc.—and don’t even think twice about it. These guys would kill themselves for just about any reason and often for no reason at all: that’s why we there are so few ninjas today.

But if you want to commit Seppuku and you’re like me, you don’t have access to stuff like lasers. But there’s hope. I tried to kill myself by swallowing a frisbee a couple of times—and believe me, it’s pretty cool. The only catch is you have to be really super pissed to do it.

Step 1 Get a frisbee from the store or friend.

Step 2 Clean the Frisbee.

Step 3 Make sure your parents aren’t around

Step 4 Put something slippery on it, like butter or cream.

Step 5 Get really super pissed.

Step 6 Fold the Frisbee hard (this is crucial)

Step 7 Keep folded and insert Frisbee into mouth hard.

Step 8 Push hard until you can’t see it.

Step 9 Wait.

Step 10 Die.

If you succeed, everybody will be like “Holy Crap!”

"Separation Proceedings under AR 135-178, Chapter 9" due to APFT failure.

So I recieved this package in the mail and basically it says I have to respond 30 days from today with some sort of response.

If you don't know the APFT is the Army Physical Fitness Test

I don't know I don't remember the tests they're quoting, some are months to over a year apart. I was counseled a few times, but not all the times and I don't ever remember recieving a copy of it. I have records of things here at home, but a lot of stuff was lost or displaced during the moves.

I've been told I could contact the JAG office, but I don't know how much the jag office can or would be willing to help me with anything regarding this, especially if I fail this Saturday. I don't know what to do, it's caught me off guard as well, I haven't seen or even spoken to the commandant or anyone about this in months and then from out of nowhere I recieved this package in the mail.

I work hard, I'm a good soldier, I have sacrificed a lot for the Army and the 75th. I've been coming to drill for free for over a year, I've been unemployed and unable to eat or make my rent, but I drive over 200 miles to come to a unit to be yelled and abused for two days, I'm so tired after drills on Sundays that I can't drive back to Austin and have to miss a day of work after finally getting a job. I've withdrawn from college courses just so I could go on missions for this unit. I've lost girlfriends, women I love because of my commitment to the idea of duty, honor and country and selfless service to others without considering myself.

Honestly, I've been tired and frustrated about the unit, about working hard and seeing nothing as a result. Yes I know what they're talking about. I haven't passed my APFT and I was on the weight control program. I've lost the weight, hell I've lost more than enough weight and I keep losing weight, does this mean that now I'm eligable to be kicked out?

I also have trouble with my situps, I work out, but I guess it's not enough. I can do them here at home just fine, but when I get out there to do them on the field, it's like I have this mental block or something. I don't know if I'll pass this weekend and even if I do it looks like it doesn't matter anyway since the way this paperwork is worded I'm already gone.

I don't know, I just don't know anymore... I'm tired, I'm just tired of it all...

"Separation Proceedings under AR 135-178, Chapter 9" due to APFT failure.

So I recieved this package in the mail and basically it says I have to respond 30 days from today with some sort of response.

If you don't know the APFT is the Army Physical Fitness Test

I don't know I don't remember the tests they're quoting, some are months to over a year apart. I was counseled a few times, but not all the times and I don't ever remember recieving a copy of it. I have records of things here at home, but a lot of stuff was lost or displaced during the moves.

I've been told I could contact the JAG office, but I don't know how much the jag office can or would be willing to help me with anything regarding this, especially if I fail this Saturday. I don't know what to do, it's caught me off guard as well, I haven't seen or even spoken to the commandant or anyone about this in months and then from out of nowhere I recieved this package in the mail.

I work hard, I'm a good soldier, I have sacrificed a lot for the Army and the 75th. I've been coming to drill for free for over a year, I've been unemployed and unable to eat or make my rent, but I drive over 200 miles to come to a unit to be yelled and abused for two days, I'm so tired after drills on Sundays that I can't drive back to Austin and have to miss a day of work after finally getting a job. I've withdrawn from college courses just so I could go on missions for this unit. I've lost girlfriends, women I love because of my commitment to the idea of duty, honor and country and selfless service to others without considering myself.

Honestly, I've been tired and frustrated about the unit, about working hard and seeing nothing as a result. Yes I know what they're talking about. I haven't passed my APFT and I was on the weight control program. I've lost the weight, hell I've lost more than enough weight and I keep losing weight, does this mean that now I'm eligable to be kicked out?

I also have trouble with my situps, I work out, but I guess it's not enough. I can do them here at home just fine, but when I get out there to do them on the field, it's like I have this mental block or something. I don't know if I'll pass this weekend and even if I do it looks like it doesn't matter anyway since the way this paperwork is worded I'm already gone.

I don't know, I just don't know anymore... I'm tired, I'm just tired of it all...