existentialism moment

I look at your face and
i hate you and I love you
The crass dimples in your cheeks
As well as the awful beautiful smile

And still, as I look, your mind wanders
Away from me and everything I hold of value
I stare, just for one more...
And I am tired of being second to last

Every truth, every song, every word
proves to me how disastrously ugly I am
To want you, ever, I cannot be
Ever trusted with such a ridiculous detail

From every slime that graced a neglect wall
To a bolt receded within a cloud
Daily I see the rage-ahol that I consume
Internally hollowing out my heartburn

Now, since rage is all I have to give
The Jealous Green already making me sick
Prove to me what a loser i am
And turn me away once more

I will forever see you in my heart, dear love
Even during my withering of my old bones
So I can detach my terrible heart
To feed the fishes of control