Time for the Friday Five

1. What was the last TV show you watched?
T.V.? as if I have time for that. more than likely it was CNN
2. What was the last thing you complained about and what was the problem?
I ordered some equipment from Altex Computers and they sent me the wrong items, so I sent them back and asked for the right stuff, they then wanted to charge me more for them, I wrestled with them and won, got some great gear for a steal.
3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say?
My good buddy Douglas and Angela, They kick ass, went above and beyond to help me get my gear
4. What was the last thing you threw away?
a plastic spoon, I was mixing a dang fine cup of joe, which I am now drinking...mmmm caffeine
5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited?
CollegeClub.com gotta check my email

And that's the end of another Friday Five, Today was a little better than most, though I'm still burnt out from the week and looking forward to the weekend, My good buddy Dave and Nicki are coming into town from Austin and were going to hang. So no more posting from me till next week. Have a great weekend all!!

These past few days have been burning me like wildfire, a proverbial candle at both ends, I exist in a state of perpetual caffeination (sp?). If I don't get some sleep soon I'm going to crash and hard, but I can't stop, got too much to do. Big mission coming up, heading down range for a few. There's lot's riding on my performance and I'm feeling the pain. These are the times that build a man's character they say. There's massive construction coming my way. gotta run, but I'll keep ya posted.

This-or-That Tuesday

What Is...

1. Yummier: Chocolate ice cream or strawberry cheesecake?
definitely strawberry cheesecake
2. Better to watch on TV: Movies or sports?
Movies
3. A better web browser: MSIE or Netscape (or tell us your own favorite!)
MSIE
4. A better way to travel: Automobile or bus/train?
Depends on where I'm going
5. Your preferred camera: Digital or film?
Film, there's nothing like the feel of a photo in your hand
6. A Cooler Vehicle: Motorcycle or sports car?
Truck or Jeep
7. More fun: Video games or board games?
Halo on my Xbox, but there's nothing like the competitive edge of Chess or Risk
8. Sexier: A perfect body or an intelligent mind?
intelligence will always win in the end
9. A stinkier smell: Skunk or gasoline (petrol)?
I think skunks are quite nice.
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: What is more important to you: making a ton of money and being at the top of your field, or finding your soulmate and living a comfortable but not wealthy life?
I used to want to be rich and famous, but things in my life happened and my eyes opened to reality, now all I want to be is happy. If along the way I find my soulmate then that's all well and good.

Goodmorning, it's Monday and I have nothing more to add right now.

- update -
Today was rough beginning at 4 am and continuing nonstop throughout the bulk of the day, tons of things happening all at once, I was pulled in multiple different directions at work, but I handled it. I had to defend one of the soldiers in my squad, who's a knucklehead yet didn't deserve what was happening. It's hard to tell a soldier he's wrong, especially when that soldier's also two ranks higher than you and your platoon seargent. Let's just say that Monday was a rough day. I got home yet didn't want to stay, so I left and went to starbucks, didn't feel like staying there either. For some reason I was both tired and restless, wound up driving all over. landed at Bookstop where I proceeded to buy almost every other book I saw, at least it seemed so to me, lol. Went back to Starbucks a few hours later, but ran into my buddy mike along the way, we decided to hang out for awhile, went to kroger's bought some more stuff I didn't need, went to the gym, back to starbucks where we hung out for awhile, then helped close up. I needed to get home so I left as soon as possible. Arriving home I had to prepare for duty the next day, so I spent the next few hours Ironing my uniform and polishing my boots and didn't get back to bed till 1 in the morning and up again at 4 am to start all over again. I'll reiterate that caffeine is the only thing keeping me alive...

I wrote this yesterday while at starbucks, let me know what you think.

Trapped in a dream
Spiraling down a staircase
Of mentally streaming photographs
Stretched mind out into infinite existence
Frozen outcast lost
Standing tall in the crowd
Sensing danger
Terror drops
This state of mind
Dwelling in private tortures
Walking in circles
We walk away
Only to arrive where we began
What if I want to fly I cry
Like never before
This life as a shadow blooms
Passes into darkness petals
Falling
Upon the waters edge
In the desert
Of my loneliness
Holding a moment
Cupped in the palm of my hand
an angel births wings
spreads high in flight
departing with sweetness sorrowed
ambitions are ambiguous
ashes fall like tears from the heavens
innocence is burning
candy and poison are one and the same
forcing fragility in this life
weakness enters the mind
through it the body is afflicted
labeled fragile
caught in the moons embrace
In the way of silence
I am inhabited by a cry
Oh beloved silence
This madness
Memories like ghosts appear
Reflecting mythology in this white room
Reluctantly the sun also rises
Awakening in the garden of truth
The first time under a sheet
Trapped inside
Where I belong
In my dream

Last night I got in my car and everything was feeling good, I just wanted to keep driving and driving. I don’t know why or how, but I drove to places I rarely visit anymore and remembered things I thought I had buried, that I thought I had forgotten. Life is funny sometimes, it throws you curves when you least expect and even when you expect it. Life tends to hit you broadside like a Mac Truck on steroids flying downhill with no brakes and other times, life flows smoothly like a stream, shadowed only slightly by dappled sunlight.

Was yesterday such a day as a Mack Truck? No, the day was a good day and this night, this wondrous full moon filled night. I had a great dinner that followed a day jam packed full of activity. I spent the evening with friends both new and old discovering insights into both myself and them while enjoying a cup of my favorite blend of mint tea and honey at my home away from home, starbucks. The discussions turned from the future to the past, to wants and needs, base desires and dislikes. I questioned my own beliefs on a few topics and did not find myself wavering.

Pleasantly unexpected I received a phone call from someone that I thought I had lost touch with, but who remained constantly close to me in my mind. Things were said, while others went unsaid, some brought sadness, but hope shines eternal others were happy as is wont to happen. implied possibilities for the future contact and the regaining of a friendship imperiled by multiple constructs of the aforementioned mind. What will come of this conversation? Positives are my only hope for endeavors hereto come someday.

Where am I now that I can write to you in such a manner, I’m centered and at what seems peace, if only for the moment, chaos reigns with the dawns early light which is when I’ll get a chance to post this…perhaps. We’ll see with the dawn what arises.

So to end this semi lengthy post, I shall end with this request, soak up the dappled sunlight and wander by a stream, if not for your own sake, then for mine. These are the days which shall shine brightest for our young souls, but with brightest light comes deepest dark and too often we find ourselves giving pause in the shadows, lingering in the places not warmed by the sun. Soon enough our tale will be told ended and gone, then others shall walk by the stream, but for now, please enjoy the sliver of sky between the branches.

can the effect come before the cause?

A former undergraduate professor of mine who happens to have a side interest in physics once referred to a study that he had read of which concerned particle acceleration or something along those lines.

According to the study, the physicists (taking notes using a human temporal scale) recorded that the particles apparently reacted before the presumed physical causal factor of that reaction was introduced during the procedure. In other words the physical effect was observed before its assumed causal determinant was presented or included; it happened sooner than it should have on a human scale of time perception. Now if we boldly translate findings from the world of experimental physics to general human logic, is it not possible that an effect can precede or occur prior to the action of a causal force? Is it necessarily true that the chicken came before the egg? Maybe there have been times when you've witnessed a human or physical event and you have gotten the odd feeling that the results happened so quickly that you couldn't even tell what if anything lead up to it. I would like to hear your insights on this.

pardon the notion of peculiar motion
so cold that my veins are frozen
hittin you in the brain wit this lyrical potion
potent and full of emotion

solidarity and a search for my own personal security
have landed me back sitting with stability

pardon me if I was or am in ordinately not for you but them
give me time and I want to recommend
perhaps one day you might become you and not them,
just their friend

where does conscious acknowledgement begin?
somewhere in retrospective of all those that sin

pierce your heart with this lyrical retort
siphon love and give you an accurate report
what is left is all that exist from the resort
of giving myself and loving me for it

"We are what we repeatdly do; excellence then is not an act, but a condition of the mind." -Aristole-

Just like Eve-- "Concentrate on reality and believe what you want you can acheive even if you gotta leave you'll still belong to all of us just like Eve"

Is it arrogant to feel the pressure of an apologetic nature eating away at my soul telling me I made a mistake and urging me to tell you I am sorry for leaving and that my feeble attempts at return are run into the ground. Or is that the very fabric, the very fiber that must reworn to bring the remedied in our so discriminately destroyed existence. perhaps arrogance is a turn off, a turn away but enemies, devils they will be at my heels even if I don't join the show. In any way as I wait and fail to perform I am only putting myself at risk to fail the next time due to improper preparion of self. so to the BATMobile I will go and hate the dark night but still stay steady in my return to flight.

"Plain Thoughts And Common Sense"

As also is this too; while I await the great existence(and) I am seen as always it would seem in the eye of distant seeker of all that hidden knowledge that I speak

closer still look thee this I urge you upon your mind this idea I submerge you

deep within the blue-green earth of spaces unseen a season of creation attempts are in my mind

Are these the ideals perhaps the questions even if they may be solutions or just ways to defeat the execution of the misunderstandings and truth that I see to it receive their deserved life.

and it was my choice to make this decision

but...wait...look...

there...

words in a rhyming fashion no less but still chopped full of compassion

…defeat stress

Search right down to the last part of life that you know of to exist and realize that the meaning of all this…

It is deeper even than the ocean that sunk the Titanic but you, you will not fail nor drown I'll show you how to manage
panic cannot be surrounded by hate or cultivated by its destruction or have violence followed by no repentance

instead choose life in the midst of darkness
and you will begin your final process

putting together your own personal congress

make the laws but don't forget to abide by them
choose not to lie to yourself and hide behind them

but bring out the truth use it in your everyday life
enough thinking you know what's right
but what do you choose?

"Of judgemnt is destruction, Of security is determantion"
proverbs 19:11

Tuesday, Hot and Spicy... mmmm..good.

Recently, I learned that I was refferred to as a "nuiscance" via Alicia's Weblog but that was only because I had spent an enjoyable evening with her and her good friend Whitney, when in fact I was mistaken, I was actually refferred to as a "lame interruption" lol. Apparantly. at least according to Alicia, I am not nor have I ever been a nuisance, or a lame interruption. The persons referenced were not myself. regardless I believed I had a valid point and enjoyed keeping it up. Though Alicia did apologize for the mistake and I appreciated that.

Back to today, Tuesday, I woke up late for duty, called in and then hauled my late !@#$ in as fast as possible and have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day. There is so much to do around here it isn't funny, though I went for lunch today and had some extremely spicy food and that's going to keep me going at least the rest of the day. Tonight I will be at my favorite coffee shop, Alas this war is getting to me and I need to take a break, before I get sent down range again. Uncle Sam needs to be more forthcoming with the greenbacks, this working for free sucks, especially when I'm looking to buy a car. By the way let's take a quick poll: What kind of car/truck/suv do you see me in? I have my own ideas, but I'm interested in hearing yours.

In other news my friends at Bad Samaritan finally updated their site... go and read the word.

Plans are being made for Friday, details will be forthcoming.

Monday, Monday... The weekend was excellent, so much so that details of certain actions and reactions will be withheld to protect the not so innocent, namely me. haha.

"Everything you can imagine is real" - Pablo Picasso. Did you ever stop to think, and then forget to start again? what to put here? hmm... how about the fact that probably nobody, including myself, has any idea of what's going to come out of my mouth next, or what I'm going to type next let alone, do in public.

life is about living, hence the reason it's called life. "Life's a journey, not a destination, and I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings." -Steven Tyler

"I think we all go through heaven and hell every day, just accept that. To feel is to live. Life is made up of feeling all sorts of things. Every day's the same: there's some heaven and some hell. There's no complete joyful day.

There's better days, worse days, and I think every day contains both. It's like the Yin and the Yang or whatever you want to call it. It's both." - John Lennon.

what do you think? I'd like to know.

Friday, another week burnt out of existence. where have you been? There and back again. The remnants of this week are filled with the scents of caffeine, boot polish and sweat. the sights are many with a green, black and brown patterned splashed by sunspots. The temperature is rising, though the nights remain cool and windy. I'm reminded of Austin,

Of all I've left behind in the pursuit of duty. I have regrets and longings of which I will not take up your time and go into. I do miss the sun scattered patterns of a certain creek, where I could lay with friendly company in the water and forget the day away. I miss those crowded student filled streets, coffee houses and easy access books. swimming in Barton Springs. Riding the bike trails, breathing in that clean, dry hill-country air. The future seemed impossibly reachable there. I miss Austin fiercely.

Yet I digress, where have I been, Classified, that's where I've been. Though some of you see me around, here mostly. I'm thankful for internet cafe's, USO's and coffee houses. A little piece of home on the road. I believe If I did own stock in Starbucks, I would be able to fund my own empire based on the amount of caffeine I myself have consumed.

Caffeine, that wonderful stimulant. This brown, crushed, boiled bean is the only thing that's keeping me alive. I barely eat, sleep isn't an option, overworked, overstressed. I'm burning from the inside out, a bright blaze fueled only by this little bean turned liquid into so many wondrous forms, whether it's tea, coffee, hot chocolate or some frozen caffeine concoction, though lately it's been in the straight black variety, sometimes with a little sugar and cream. I like my coffee like I like my women: Hot, light, sweet, with a bitter aftertaste that lingers in my mouth... yes, Caffeine is a wonderful stimulant, though it's a harsh mistress... it gives you what you want and deserts you in your time of greatest need, making you hunger for it even more. I spend what little free time I have in an almost catatonic state when it leaves me. oh damn, my cup's empty again. Time to brew another pot... until next cup.

I'm not one to get angry, to raise my voice in frustration, I hold myself in check constantly attempting to retain a calm in the storm I feel inside. Though these times are trying and vaguely I'm attempting to describe what I cannot, but it doesn't seem to be working. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? I'm a good guy at heart though as all of us are I'm woefully unprepared, despite my preparations, to conduct business in this life. growing up I had excellent educational opportunities in my scholastic endeavors, the boy scouts, athletics, and life experiences. In thinking on this subject I must take some time, perhaps I am more prepared than I think I am. I shall think on this. I know that once I make a friend, I make a friend for life, almost regardless of how you feel towards me. See, the truth is, you could slit my throat and with one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

To begin again where I paused for a moment, this life is precious we only have a short time to explore the world in earnest, so explore I say. begin your beginning today, right now this very moment.

Today has been rough, I've had to deal harshly with fellow co-workers, subordinates, but I had to do it. I was left with no choice in the matter. now I have this sick feeling in my stomach, I dislike being mean, it makes me physically ill, but that doesn't mean I won't do it when the the time comes and I have.

When a job needs to be done, you should do it right then and not wait.

"How monotonously alike all the great tyrants and conquerors have been:how gloriously different the saints." -- C.S. Lewis

Am I to be the Tyrant? I'm not a Saint, this is well known, I simply try to do the best I can and yet they fail again and again to understand. The rules and regulations are pre-set there is nothing to question, but they fail me time and again so the Tyrant may come to the fore and business will be handled.

My generation is dying. Growing old in the days of the world, we are lacking in identity, in face, in personality. who are we these few who are unprepared for the world? Shall I ponder this event, this lack of responsibility from our forebears to guide us into capability or shall I not dwell on the past. Shall I use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now in this instant of time. From this moment onwards you can be an entirely different person. I remember you, do you remember me?

This isn’t the beginning, yet this is the beginning of this moment, this day in time this is where today’s story begins…

This morning I awoke in darkness, pure, still darkness. Soon, too soon the dawning awareness came and I arose to greet the day. In silence did I move to that end’s beginning. This day among days…
Prepared, I set forth to the call of duty, traveling concrete pathways on rubber and steel. Journeying to duties point with a swiftness.
Now, I stand my ground, man my post. The call of duty has been answered and I have arrived…

This isn’t the beginning, yet this is the beginning of this moment, this day in time this is where today’s story begins…

A man arrived at a point in time, this point in time. A whirlwind of activities ensues. a choice demands to be made. Plans are set in motion, activities occur and a choice demands to be made.
Yet, what is this choice? What is the demand? Where will we go from here? Where will we as a people go? More to the point where will I go? Information has been received, enlightenment has been found, plans need to be made and executed. Education is the goal. This tale shall abate for awhile, sustenance for body and soul is required, stand fast, don’t touch that dial, this story shall continue after a short while.

This isn’t the beginning, yet this is the beginning of this moment, this day in time this is where today’s story begins…

Until then…

This is poetry, this is real, I am real, this is my story and it is real, though at times it is intermittent. A fragmented reality exploding softly upon this existence, my life exposed. shared for all to view with eyes unshadowed by the mists of propaganda. I am who I am, though I am changing who I am yet remaining the same. This life is as simple as it is complex. I face hardships now that I have never had to face before, though I am lucky to have friends to help carry me through. to all of you who know and read this I say simply "Thank you" for everything.

These past few weeks, have brought me more questions and few answers... I have so much that I want to know and too much time to think about things in my life that have gone both well and wrong. Mostly I dwell on the wrongs instead of the rights, but that is human nature and I accept that. I wonder who really reads this blog if anyone reads it at all.

my life, shared with those around me, my family is thankfully doing better, but has a long way to go. My friends, those staunch allies and supporters, They are there for me as I am for them. There is so much to say on them that I would be sitting here for days continuosly typing. As for the woman in my life, Alas currently there isn't one, though I have possibilities I haven't taken advantage of them. I tend to screw up relationships. I'm not sure why, perhaps I've been hurt too much in the past and so I habitually sabotage my relationship, ruining both a great relationship and a friendship. Now I hesitate to make that next step. So I don't and I miss out.

Any advice for this weary warrior?

Happy belated St. Patrick's Day everyone, I of course am still dressed in green, and black and brown. The active duty life has been good to me, I've got a full time job with full time pay and benefits. I have the opportunity to travel all over. I recently purchased a brand new laptop from Toshiba that's more like a portable desktop.

It's been an exciting month with lots of changes both physically and mentally. If you're still out there reading this send me some mail to let me know what's up with you. I can't explain the where or what I'm doing, but I'll try to update as much as I can, when I can. Thanks everyone for everything.

I'm leaving in a few minutes, just a few more things to pack, this computer I'm saving for last. In a few hours I'll be gone and in a few days I'll be in the middle of conflict, I'm going to war, what wil happen I don't know. what I do know is that I will miss you all greatly, Goodbye my friends, Goodbye Austin, I will return.

hugh.h.melrose@us.army.mil

This morning I received the official word, your's truly is going to the big show, what that means in a nutshell is that I'm being mobilized. yep OlHugh's going to be taking a trip. How do I feel about this you might wonder? I'm confused, a little in shock, it's still not real to me, I don't even know if it will be real when I step up onto that plane.

I knew this was coming, I didn't put my life on hold for it. In fact I'm spending this afternoon with a good friend and tonight with even more friends. I had a couple of job offers, but I'll have to decline them now. I've already started packing my stuff into boxes. there's only a few things left. I have some people coming to get it soon.

If you want to get ahold of me while I'm gone, the only way I have for you to reach me now is via my military account: hugh.h.melrose@us.army.mil

Thanks and goodbye...for now.

These past few days have been extremely interesting, The pace has picked up and I've received some news that I knew was coming, but I dreaded. I will probably not have the opportunity to post much more than a few times over the next few days and after that, I don't know.

I've spent the time I have with friends, we've been going all over town saying goodbye to everyone. I spent time tonight at Fry's and Wal-Mart getting last minute travel supplies. I picked up two books from Barnes & Noble, "FightClub" and "Choke" by Chuck Palhiniuk, I ate a Chipotle last night, but the food is just not as good, leave there with a sick feeling. It's odd I'm not going to eat there again, not like I'll get the opportunity for awhile anyway.

Tonight Jane ( from Thailand) and Alex ( from China ) cooked me a going away dinner, it was phenomenal, truly authentic cooking, it makes me long for Japan again even though I know the dishes weren't japanese. I can't even begin to describe the flavors and textures they crafted, but it was amazing. Later after running around all day with Dave, I wound up hanging with my buddy Daniel at Plucker's where they had $3 34oz mugs of shiner, I only had one, but it was good. We discussed everything from movies, sports, the military to the upcoming conflict. I won't put my views here.

I'm leaving soon and everything is going to be alright, I'll support my Commander in Chief to the best of my ability and hopefully he'll do the same. it is late and I have things that need to be resolved before I leave. Thank you one and all for patronizing my blog. have a great life.

These past few days have been interesting, more to follow later...

I am trying to return to school, yet being a member of the military seems to be a deterrant to scholastic admittance. I signed up for classes at the local community college, but then I got word from my commander that we're up for mobilization, so I'm like F*ck, and I go to the school and withdraw. In a few days I have to go to Houston, I'm in the Army Reserves and they've called me to come in for briefings. sometimes, it's a big hassle serving my country. It's the military, at any time they can call me up, I have to go and they do it a lot. tends to play hell with the academic calendar and a lot of professors and schools won't cut you any slack for it, which I'm having a big problem with UT about right now.

My transcripts suck due to the fact that I've been activated so many times in the middle of semesters, UT refuses to take into the account that I'm a veteran and has continuosly denied me admittance. This is crazy I was born in this State, I grew up in this State, I joined the Army in this State, Served a major portion of my duty in this State and yet I'm not allowed to attend a STATE University?!?! this thouroughly pisses me off. I dont understand that! This has been going on for awhile now and I'm ready to just go over there and kick some teeth in at the admissions office. All I want to do is go to school, get an education and I am denied this basic right. It's tough and frustrating, I try so hard and yet they simply smack me down with form letters stating there are more qualified applicants, how can there be more qualified applicants when on the UT application it asks if you're a veteran and seeking veterans preference for admittance to the university? what does a veterans preference mean if it's disregarded? does that mean all my years of service are disregarded too? I can't get an answer from anyone at the university, there isn't a veterans representative, just a secretary in the registrar's office that knows nothing! the ROTC people won't help me unless I'm accepted to the school, WTF! ALL I WANT IS AN EDUCATION!! there are kids at that school that don't know what they want, they're just there for parties, alchohol and whatever! I'm so pissed at this School it's not funny! I'd write more, but you get the idea...

Sometimes, I'm a bit forward and untactful when it comes to relationships. I don't say the right things in the right ways and the situation turns from good to not so good. but that's alright, I'm allowed to do that. right? I'm only Human. Nah I didn't think so either. Recently I asked a girl out, rather untactfully, she was cool enough to hold off embarassing me, though I hardly get embarassed, still she didn't know that. It wasn't until I asked again that I "forced" (I'm not sure that's the right word to use, but it's there) her to answer and she did, with a "no, she wouldn't like to go out with me." which is about as decent an answer as one can get. if you read this, Thanks. That's about all I can say on that subject, hopefully we can be friends or at least positively minded acquaintances. who knows? Only time will tell, though I have little of that left in the states. more to follow on that, in the mean time, the day is bright, I'm going out to enjoy it.

early morning posting again, still not asleep, it's been awhile and I don't feel tired at all, perhaps I'm simply fooling myself? I'll finish this and go lie down, close my eyes and see what happens. I began with a reason for posting this, but threw that out the window. I just wanted to note that my site may be moving soon, a friend of mine has offered to host me on his server. this will afford me more opportunities to develop this site and more. I've spent most of the night in conversation with my Housemates, they all want to know what's going to happen once I get my order's. honestly I don't know. I have an idea, but I can't really discuss it. enough said, I'm going to bed. later all.

you know what? you don't need a sense of moral decency to dance all night long. Tonight I learned this and I'm more than willing to share my education with you. I went out tonight, despite popular belief and a few setbacks/noncommitments and I had a good time. Life is crazy and beautiful and I needed tonight to remind me of that. I'd explain more, but that would get me into trouble, lol. oh one last thing before I go, if any of you know of any good comments code sites, please email me. have a great night all!

I went out walking today, how could I not? the day was absolutely beautiful. I had lunch at Texadelphia on the drag, hung out there for a bit with Daniel, a friend and neighbor from my building. We walked the drag, there was a book I was looking for at B&N we hung out there for a bit, but they were sold out. I love the free refills on iced tea there. afterwards we went cruising, wound up at the goodwill computer store and Fry's, watched LOTR there on their super surround sound system and 20k flatscreen TV, had to edit their setup to do that, too easy. wound up hitting a few other places and now I'm back for a bit, it's a cool Saturday night and I have no plans as of yet, what to do? any ideas email me, or send me an IM on AOL at: HughHudson3 Later!

Afternoon all, just dropping in here to post a few minutes. Check out this pic my buddy Kylow tossed my way. I still haven't gotten any sleep, I wonder why that is? I don't feel tired at all. Either way the day outside is looking beautiful.. later!

goodmorning, it's 3 amyou wouldn't believe how cold it is outside and the amount of activity going on outside the building, every couple of minutes someone walks by. I guess that's what I get for having a first floor apt facing a busy street. it's late and I can't sleep. Too much caffeine I guess. You know what? "Barista" is just a euphemism for yuppie drug dealer, serving up caffeineted crack. I think my blood type registers breakfast blend. Dang, I need to get some sleep.

It's another Friday night here in Austin and I'm sitting down to compose this my message to you, those happy, happy few out there in cyberspace and reality who might happen across this site. I've been reading over at Mel's and have quite the discussion going, it seems I've lost points with her mom, more to follow as I find out how. My cousin Yoshi has changed up his layout, lookin good as always! Still working on the code for my comments, should be up soon, but we'll see. The night has turned dark and cold, the temperature has dropped, I'm not a big fan of cold so I'm suffering a bit, being inside now helps. I went by Tower records today and checked out the availability of the LOTR expanded pack set, grabbed a good cup of tea at CC's and hung out at Barnes & Noble for awhile. I came home early and grabbed some chow, left overs rock, I opened my window for a bit this afternoon and for some odd reason a bird alighted on my window sill and started chirping in a very disney like manner... surreal. with that I'll leave you for now as I go roaming the net in search of new reads.

Ah, the day is beautiful outside! so cold, yet crisp and bright. I stayed up late again last night and watched the sky with my blue lights on and ambient luxe playing. it was very chill. I thought of my friends and my family, of those who I could not be with. I've come to the realization that I'm not as communicative as I should be with those I care about and I'm resolving to attempt to become more available. To reveal my inner thoughts and turmoils. There are things paramount, foremost in my mind, I am a soldier and I know I will be called for duty, I know not when, but I know the call will come. I have started a life here in Austin and I will have to leave it all behind for my country, but that is a sacrifice a soldier is willing to make for his country. I readily give of myself for you, my fellow countrymen, because I love this country and the freedoms that we all have must be defended. I don't always agree with the policies that those above me endorse, but I will support my nation. enough said about that, I'm still working on the comments, please feel free to continue to email me until further notice.

working on the comments code, please bear with me...thanks I new you would.

I was at home, chilling in my apartment, the radio was on and the windows were wide open, outside it's a bright, cool sun shiny day. there's even birds singing...haha. So I'm going to go out and walk the streets of West Campus here in Austin, the day is calling me..and I'm answering, later.

it's the middle of the day and I'm a boy dangling on cut strings, hanging out there for everyone to see. A sad little puppet set free to wander and wonder what will be. This hazy grey landscape amazes me, I pass slowly through the flood of ashy flavored fog. far away lights transfix my hollow eyed gaze. where am I what has become of me, what will I do, where to go from here...

Man, I have literally been up for over a full day now. Though it was necessary, I'm tired out...this is it for the posting right now. Peace to everyone, talk with ya later or something like that. I'm going to bed.

Running on Empty
January 13, 2003

Running on 24hrs of no sleep,
Feeling like my head is light and my soul is floating,
Calling me to join it in that land where it resides,
While I hang in the balance of life and death,
That in-between called sleep.

But the bug has gotten a hold of me.

You know what bug I’m talking about,
That writing one,
That fills your brain in the late now hours,
That compels you to write and write and write,
Even though you can barely think straight.
That bug that pulls the soul back in and makes it,
Power the body despite the fact,
You faculties are shutting down,
And your brain has become a haven,
For illicitness and empty thoughts.
Still it pushes, it pokes, it prods, it digs and burrows,
Finding some meat still laced to your bones,
Picking them clean and then cracking them open,
Making you dig into the marrow of your existence,
For some profound word to share or thing to say,
That will lure or impress others to your view,
Or simply cause you to feel justified,
That it’s finally out.
You can’t rid yourself of this vibe, this flow,
That this thing causes, because you’re poetry,
Every part of you is speaking constantly,
Words fill your head upon command,
And you must write!
Until finally, you can find nothing to write about,
And everything is gone; you are dry and diminished,
A light with out electricity,
Finally making it to exhaustion,
After running on empty.

I post again, it has been two nights since my last post and events have transpired as they are wont to do. I have continued my journey in this so called life, traversing this path laid before me. Along the way I have lost a friend, perhaps it is for the best though I have regrets, but only time will tell the ending of this tale. I'm planning another trip, but will not be leaving for awhile. I have to set my house in order before my departure. I'm not sure of what to add so I shall stop here and plan to post later.

I've danced in the rain tonight, well more like I walked in the rain. I'm not a big fan of the cold, nor the wet, but I have a lot on my mind and I needed to get out and just walk and think. I did that and I noticed several things while walking, yet I won't bore you with the details. Now I sit here and wonder, a cup of hot tea warming my chilled hands and I plan for the future. I shall write more later.

So, I'm back from out of this place, I just arrived in a few hours ago and I have much to tell, but so much more that I cannot tell. There are things afoot in my life that I want/need to talk to someone about, but I am here, alone, and this prevents me from saying the things I need/want to say. This weekend was spent in preparation for a future conflict that I don't wholly agree with. I cannot say more because I have been sworn to silence and I take my duties very seriously. I know I write ambiguosly and for that I apologize. This voice inside me tends to speak this way when I type out my inner thoughts. My time spent was good and productive, I was glad to have the chance to spend time with friends and family of which the time I do spend is never enough. There are those that I care about that I do not get to spend time with and this I regret. To those of you that I don't spend enough time with know that I do think of you. I need to walk outside for awhile, I know it's cold, but it helps me think... I shall return.

I take my leave of you now, for the briefest of periods I must away with myself. Yet know that I shall return. I will not be silenced!

Sometimes, Sometimes I feel like a motherless child a long, long way from my home. Today is a Friday and I'm preparing to leave again. Where I'm going I cannot say, sometimes I don't even know where I will end up, but I must go, my duty calls to me. The afternoon sunlight is bright through the windows of my apartment. The breeze outside is strong and brings with it a coolness that wasn't present yesterday and I pack for a tomorrow that is unknown. It is on a day like this that I miss those who are/were closest to me. where are you now?

I've been away for awhile and I can't say where I've been, Traveling in real time is sometimes a necessity for me so at times I will be away. I've accomplished my mission at least as far as I knew what my mission was and now I return. To this "home" I've created for myself here in Austin. I've returned to my semblance of life and my very real friends. I regret though that I will be leaving again soon. work is like that, always there waiting to be done and so I will go and hope that I return to continue this my story unfolding.

So it's a new year, Happy New Year all, and I have this blog. I started it on a whim and long standing desire to actually start one, so I begin. This is the third post I've made and I'm not sure of what I have to say, Do I really have anything to say at all, of course I do. I have everything to say, but what to say? that is the question. I could update you on my life so far. I'm in a new city, having moved here last July, I have met and know a few people here. I'm making friends as I go. I moved here for a couple of reasons, if your intelligent and I know you are you've probably already guessed a girl was involved, isn't there always? So I moved here for a girl and the possibility of a job, being that I had lost my job right before christmas this past year, 2001 not 2002. This girl and I used to be great together, things changed as they often do. I won't bore you with the details, but I had to find another place to live, which is how I wound up where I am now. I had a job, it wasn't great, but it paid my bills and left me with some money to play with, I also won't bore you with the details of what happened with this, but let's just say that I no longer have either the job or the girl and I live in a strange city. I do, however, have friends, few but my circle is growing. So now I sit here in my one room apartment in West Campus and I've started a blog to detail my experiences in this, my new city. Hello Austin, I'm here.

This morning I awoke, which in itself is a good thing. Last night I watched a french film Diva with a Communist from China, a steathly midwesterner, a man from south India and a Welsh/Texas Pianist. Other intermittent watchers were a fellow Texan and the ex-sushi chef from Iran. The movie was good, especially the music. later we drank Australian beer and stole a Thai man's desk from a German friend's room who is now in Switzerland working on his master's degree. Who am I you might ask? I'm just your average Scots/Irish American, native Texan who tends to have a lot of interesting friends. So I sit here now pouring my thoughts out to you, you many few who come to this site by pure chance or by some evil design of mine. Welcome, I wonder what the new day will bring?

Welcome to Keelhauler
This is the first post in an ongoing web life of myself and those that surround me.